Social Networking Sites, It's Like Imaginary Friends For Adults!

So I came across several articles in the last couple days about "Social Networking Sites" and the perils and pitfalls therein. My favorite one on the lines of absurdity was one from msnbc.com talking about Facebook like it's a trendy new nightclub and how you need to blend in or everyone will know you're a phony and basically "They're all going to laugh at you" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29555198/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets?pg=1 . Now I was on Facebook when you needed a valid university email address, in fact I remember I had to borrow my friend's extra college email because my school wasn't even on the list of valid universities yet. So basically I'm an OG Facebooker, which is nothing to be proud of, but still. First off, if you are intimidated about joining Facebook, you should probably just hold off on it for a little while. Nobody is going to put a fucking gun to your head so "surviving" it isn't really necessary. And it also kind of eludes to maybe you are getting on here so that you can keep tabs on your children? I don't think you should join for that reason either. Kids have the right to go a little crazy when they are in college. If you want to keep in touch with friends, share pictures, and just generally be in the loop by all means join. And as far as the "don't put your picture up" thing this guy was talking about, fuck that, I don't exactly look like a movie star and many of my friends don't either; but I would still prefer to see their smiling face instead of some cartoon as he suggests. Part of the fun of this, is that you see people from high school and the picture they put up is just one of the many things you can use to see what they are like now. Also, for those like me, who are bad at names but good with faces get to instantly know who the person is, but if you have a "Simpsonized" picture it might be a little ambiguous.

Now he goes even further to say that people can post embarrassing pictures of you on there, again, that is part of the fun of Facebook. My favorite things to see are my friends in sombreros holding two margaritas with someone they have never met in the photo with them. But a picture is worth a thousand words no matter where it is. For instance I have a picture in a tiny little photo album I have, and one of the pictures is me an an affectionate embrace with a blond-haired girl. Well curiosity gets the better of almost anyone as most people who go in my apartment start thumbing through it. Now I haven't been in a long term relationship in my life, so when they get to this picture they always make a comment on it. When my mom saw it she instantly asked why I didn't ask that girl to marry me, when my platonic girl friends see it they always remark how cute she is, and when my guy friends see it they say, "Oh shit is that the girl that you... no way... it is her!" Okay well shit, now I have to shed some light on it I guess; so back in the early days of being able to buy alcohol I met a girl through a friend. The friend moved away but the girl and I would still hang out with each other. One time I decided to take her to my brother's faux-frat college house and she got a little loose-lipped after a few shots of Jack Daniels and started discussing things about our "history" that were, pretty flattering, but not 100% true admittedly. Well anyway after only a couple months she wanted me to "claim" her and since I didn't really understand that meant I kind of left her hanging. The next week I called her to hang out she started laughing and telling me about all the things I would miss for not "claiming" her. As boring as that story is, I've told it about 20 times now, and if it were on Facebook I'd probably just shoot myself after the millionth, "Whatever happened to that girl? She's cute how come you aren't with her right now, on a beach drinking pina colladas frolicking in the sand, and making love under the stars above, looking fondly on a life of promise on the horizon and relishing a whirlwind romance past?" My point is, there are a million ways to read any given photo, so what may be an innocent picture of you and a girl in the club could send mixed messages to all of your different friends, but how you want to handle it is up to you.

He also talks about how some intern said he was going to a family emergency but it was actually a Halloween party where he dressed up like a fairy godmother or something. That is his own fault, you can't blame Facebook for that. Firstly, if you do shady shit like that you probably shouldn't have your boss on your friend list. Secondly, I would also like to know why an intern has to use a bogus excuse on Halloween night anyway, you can't possibly have so much to do from 10pm-2am on Halloween to need your interns to work, that's sadistic. Thirdly, I lost my job that I worked my ass off at, 60+ hours on the slow time; I gave everything to that job and they laid me off over the phone with absolutely no reason. I fucking WISH I had got fired for doing something like this, because I would know, "damn, that's what not to do, they had me dead-to-rights and I'm not surprised at all that I got fired for that." But me, I get to lay awake at 4:33am on nights like tonight, and wonder, "why did I get fired, I fucking invited my boss to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family because his was out of town and he still fired me at the end of Thanksgiving break." I have to think, I really must not be well-liked, I actually got fired from a job I worked my ass off in because they don't like me? But if I got tagged in a picture where I'm wearing a tutu wasted I could at least say, "man, that was a good fucking party though."

This guy also talks about his inbox filled with requests and his feed loaded with people's stuff. Cry me a fucking river, I know this bag of douche may be so fucking important he can't have his inbox or whatever he has, filled with friend's requests. But me, it's good to know someone is thinking about me, my thing gets filled with Mafia Wars stuff all the time. Me, I don't really like Mafia Wars because I'm sick of getting the fuck beat out of me by 90 pound vindictive super-model looking girls (no they don't factor in weight ratios in when they decide who wins the fight, so don't even ask). But I appreciate being included, so it doesn't bother me at all. I do like the Farm one, people come and rake your leaves for you, they don't BURN DOWN YOUR CASINOS EVERY TIME YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER FOR FIVE MINUTES ARRRGGGHHHH!!! What is the point of making $2 million every half hour if I need to fix my casinos and go to the hospital all the time. Okay but I digress. But these little games, the quizzes, are all part of the fun of Facebook, if you don't want to ever have to deal with: friends who aren't really friends, posts on your news feed, Facebook stalkers, people giving you requests; then Facebook isn't for you. I will say I totally agree with him about posting on other people's statuses though, (for those of you not familiar, with the default setting you get an email any time someone posts something on the same feed as you) a couple of girls I hate to post a message on their statuses because in 5 minutes my email box is full of a bunch of people I don't know saying, "hey girl, yeah girl, I'm proud of u girl, kick that motherfucker to the curb, Love U Girl, I *heart* you gurl, nuh-uh if he said that to me I would have kicked his ass."

There are plenty of other options out there, but none of them are for me. For instance there is LinkedIn for those of you who look at your friends like business contacts. I just can't do that, I really don't care who you know and who you worked for, but I am very interested in who's boob you grabbed at that party this weekend (which I can find out on Facebook). And there is also MySpace but my fucking computer crashes when I open up some one's page and they have 5 songs going and my cursor is turning into all manner of unnatural things, and I get epilepsy from all the shit flashing on them. Then there is the epitome of my incomprehension called, "Twitter" in which you just seem to post statuses and updates every few seconds. Well, my friends who do this seem to be very active and have lots of interesting things to do, but for me, you probably don't want to know what I think about all day, it would probably look like this:

JKon: Was thinking that his neighbor's wife is a mega-hottie.
JKon: Feels guilty about thinking about his neighbor's wife because there is literally a commandment that says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
JKon: Is thinking maybe the verbiage is a little murky in the bible, what the hell is covet anyway?
JKon: What? Stop looking at me like that! It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. She's just hot that's all!
JKon: Hey look, if someone says that I am a mega-hottie, I am flattered, she should be flattered, I don't just throw mega-hottie around for anybody.
JKon: How come nobody has ever called me a mega-hottie?
JKon: Fine, you know what, fine! I'll just find something else to do.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.

You should be lucky that I have inane quizzes to preoccupy me. A lot of people tell me, "Well you can add CNN on your Twitter." What the fuck do they have to say?

CNN: Is currently broadcasting on the TV.
CNN: You can see the pictures on the TV to illustrate the points we talk about.
CNN: Sir, if you will please just turn your head to the right, you will be able to see the CNN broadcast.
CNN: Failing that you can turn it on in the background and listen to it and then when something peaks your interest you can then turn your head.

And I also hear that oppressed Iranians can air their grievances on Twitter:

IranianSk8rGuy: Help, I'm being oppressed #Nationwidehollocost #Deathoffreethought I don't have much time... SAVE ME! #whatkindofgodwouldallowthis
ASUgurl82: @IranianSk8rGuy OMG that totally sux dude!
ASUgurl82: Is going tailgating! WOOOOO! GO SUN DEVILS!

I mean seriously, what the hell can you even do about that? I hate to say it but Americans like to get sad and angry at problems in other parts of the world... but usually that's kind of the end of it. We spread "awareness" which is somehow, in our mind, even better than taking action. "Living in Iran totally sucks, pass it on!" "Dude, I'm totally surprised! I'll be sure to tell all of my friends, maybe one of them will decide to hire some mercenaries and stage a guerrilla coup, and after a long hard fought war he will resend the throne to the Iranian people and come back to American mediocrity and obscurity!" Last week I had a post about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore freeing a million slaves; if you think they are hitting the mean streets of Nuevo Laredo, Nogalles, and Tijuana in some surveillance van following up leads and going under cover, YOU'VE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND! They are spreading awareness and keeping their fingers crossed. By the way, Ashton Kutcher is the first person on Twitter to reach the million follower mark (well that's what I heard anyway). I'm confounded... shit I'm vexed... yes that is the word I'll use, vexed! Whatever he could possibly be saying, I can't even fathom. All I know is that colors aren't as vivid as they were before I heard that there are a million people that want to hear what Ashton Kutcher has to say... So... Cold... So damned cold...

Okay so in the spirit of being a good sport, here is my most embarassing Facebook picture,

It's all in good fun though... I'm the guy... in the background... I think... It's really hard to

tell, you know... heh...