eHarmony Burn

Damn, okay I finally just gave in and tried the eHarmony thing. After taking over 55 minutes to complete the survey which is my least favorite one where it's "5-shades of yes or no": I like coffee; disagree/slightly disagree/don't know/slightly agree/agree. I hate that shit, you either do like coffee or you don't. Anyways after that I get like this bullshit that makes Mary Worth look like the next Sigmund Freud. I seriously feel like a shattered piece of glass right now. And this is a legitimate site too, that Orvil Redenbocker guy fucking made it, that's like Mary Poppins calling me a dumass piece of shit. Okay read it once and then read it after reading my translation, I guarantee you are going to say fuck Orvil Redenbocker after this (my translations in ** all other text is e-Harmony's).

Unable To Match You At This Time eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

**Sorry but based on legitimately happy couples none of them are like you, in fact if you get married we would re-evaluate our whole website but that shit isn't going to happen so I wouldn't hold your breath. Not to say you won't get married, but it will be like some kind of crime against nature marriage like when Woody Allen married his adopted daughter sick shit. My advice is to go into a strip club, ask the ugly stripper for a lap dance and tip her like $300.00 and if you get her pregnant she'll probably marry you. See bro, life gives you lemons, I don't know how the rest of that shit goes because I'm Orvil Redebacher muthafucka! Life gives me corn and I make popcorn with that shit.**

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

**We don't need any ugly ass muthafuckaz like you uglying up our website. Tell you what, take all the money you were going to give to me and play the lotto. You win the lotto, maybe chicks will see past that ugly ass mug of yours. HAHHAHHAHA I'm Orvil Redenbacker bitch!**

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

**Every once in a while when you see some asshole walking down the street and you say, there is no way in hell anyone could love that poor piece of shit. For me that's like just another observation, but for you that shit is like a mirror into the future. I'm good at this shit, I mean you see me on the commercials matching people up all day, but I have a reputation to uphold. People see you on there they are going to wonder why I can't match you up to any of our over a million singles. You feel me? There are plenty of fish in the sea but in the Redenbocker sea there is only room for 80% of the fish. Just be yourself and hope for the best... Ha sorry I tried not to laugh, being yourself ain't never gonna work and that's why we can't match you, that shit is just science. Like when a popcorn kernel doesn't pop no matter how many times you microwave it.**

You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.

**This is why I'm hot and this is why you not. Hope being a lonely-ass bitch works out for you, it wouldn't work for me but we're just two different people. Peace!**