Does Your Husband of 16 Years Leave His Shoes on the Floor? KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER TO THE CURB!

I recently saw an article that makes me sick to my stomach titled "She's happily married, dreaming of divorce." And it's about a "Mid-Wife Crisis" and it was spread to the readers of Oprah's magazine and tries to make divorce seem trendy, and almost eludes to the fact that people who stay married to the same person are doing it because they are undesirable or cowards.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/index.html

Can you imagine if a guy wrote an article about getting sick of a woman that isn't attractive and divorcing her? People would hang him by his thumbs! To summarize the article basically her husband wakes her up with, "good morning" every morning, buttons his shirt wrong, and leaves his shoes in the hall. But since women are attractive for longer, she should be able divorce and try again. My take is that: you are an independent woman that can do anything you want, but your husband needs to be making you happy? The whole deal with "independence" is that you get freedom sacrificing dependency on others... Am I wrong? Here are some actual excerpts from the article:

"I contemplate divorce every day. It tugs on my sleeve each morning when my husband, Will, greets me in his chipper, smug morning-person voice, because after 16 years of waking up together, he still hasn't quite pieced out that I'm not viable before 10 a.m."

BOIL HIM IN OIL! This sums up the article really well if you don't want to read it, you can just look at this and see the kind of article it is. I'm sorry but I can think of worse things than someone saying "good morning" to you. In fact, I want people to say good morning to me, that would really put a good start to my fucking day. I am serious; please do tell me good morning! I can't even picture the kind of person who would think that that was a divorce worthy trespass...

"Nor is Will the Very Bad Man that I've made him out to be. Rather, like every other male I know, he is merely a Moderately Bad Man, the kind of man who will leave his longboat-sized shoes directly in the flow of our home's traffic so that one day I'll trip over them, break my neck, and die, after which he'll walk home from the morgue, grief-stricken, take off his shoes with a heavy heart, and leave them in the center of the room until they kill the housekeeper. Everyman."

I guess this makes me a moderately bad man, obviously Ellen Tien has never done anything bad ever. I know a girl that got her fucking puppy stabbed by her bipolar boyfriend and she's still thinking about marrying him when he gets out of jail. I would consider that guy a "bad guy" and so leaving shoes on the floor hardly even seems in the same LEAGUE to me.

"But we, we with our 21st-century access to youth captured in a gleaming Mason jar with a pinked square of gingham rubber-banded over the top, we are still visually tolerable if not downright irresistible when we're 30 or 35 or 40. If you believe the fashion magazines -- which I devoutly do -- even 50- and 60-year-olds are (lick finger, touch to imaginary surface, make sizzle noise) pretty hot tickets."

I would love to see the fate you have in store for yourself when you put your divorce-for-fun shit to practice at 50 or 60. I don't see how this is any different from a man saying he is going to dump his wife because he could get a hotter, younger wife because he makes enough money to.

"We were groomed to think bigger and better -- achievement was our birthright -- so it's small surprise that our marriages are more freighted. Marriage and its cruel cohort, fidelity, are a lot to expect from anyone, much less from swift-flying us. Would we agree to wear the same eyeshadow or eat in the same restaurant every day for a lifetime? Nay, cry the villagers, the echo answers nay. We believe in our superhood. We count on it."

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? What the hell did you do for the women's empowerment movement, aside from this piece of bullshit? So you're too good to sleep with one guy for the rest of your life? That's that same old hook all frat guys say about women... when they are retarded frat guy douches. You are a grown-ass woman, don't you find any solace in coming home to a warm hearth?

"No. Your husband is not your best friend. Your best friend is your best friend. If your husband were your best friend, what would that make your best friend -- the dog? When a woman tells me that her husband is her best friend, what I hear is: I don't really have any friends."

No, you're wrong, you see your husband would be your best friend if you didn't view him like he's some kind of court jester that needs to amuse you all the time. It's a two way street, unless you take at least some responsibility for it you are going to be miserable in any marriage.

"I recently stood by as a clothing designer, a mother in her 40s, announced to a group of women that she was divorcing her husband. The women's faces flickered with curiosity, support, recognition, and -- could it be? -- yearning. Not a one of us suggested that she try harder to make it work. No voice murmured, 'What a shame.'"

I'm glad you have friends as shallow and petty as you, but sometimes divorce needs to happen, but it isn't like when your friend gets a puppy and then you get one. You can really devastate someone, and children almost inevitably have blame transference on themselves. I hope if I ever get married that I don't wind up with a bitch like this, it's like her husband is a purse or something and he is going out of style so he gets tossed in the trash. I just wish I could make Ellen Tien walk a mile in my shoes, I tanked the only interview I've had in 4 months, drove by a sprinkler with my window open, then my fuel line busted, and you know how I'll be wrapping my day up? Sleeping in a cold bed by myself thanking God that the gas from my ruptured fuel line didn't make me explode. I WISH MY MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM WAS TRIPPING OVER SHOES AND GETTING A GOOD MORNING... Freakin' bitch.

Okay, What About Inner-Beauty? Um... I do have Inner-Beauty Right? Hello?

Recently I have been noticing a sad trend in my life. It's not that I feel my prayers go unanswered, but it's even worse than that. You see I have been getting what I pray for, but it's in some weird Twilight Zonish, sold my soul to the devil, cursed wish giving monkey's paw, be-careful-what-you-wish-for-you-just-might-get-it sort of way. I hate to be the guy who never gets over shit, so this will be hopefully the last time I mention it, but I prayed for some time off so I could do the things I like, and soon after I got laid off and have been for almost 10 months. So needless to say, even if I say I haven't lost my faith, what the hell can I do, pray for something just to have it explode in my face. Case and point, I was at the gym today and I saw this cute girl (doing the same exercises as I was) and she even gave me a seductive sort of smirk. Well she goes over to one of the club employees and talks to him, he said, "hey Jesse" and waved me over, and the girl motioned for me to take my headphones out. I was like, "damn, that's awesome she must have asked that guy what my name was so I would introduce myself to her." Well she starts talking to me about my shirt and then about school and we're having a good chat, the club guy even leaves for a few minutes. We continue our conversation, then the guy comes back a little while later with a card that he gives to Laura and she starts writing her phone number on the back of the card. I thought to myself, "fuck yeah, I got a cute girl's number and all I had to do was be in the right place at the right time!" But then the guy turns to me and says, "You know, I can get you a free session with Laura here." "Excuse me?" I said confused. "You look like you could use some help and Laura is a personal trainer here." So it's not about she wants to get to know me better, she's buttering me up so I train with her. And what the fuck was that about "I could use the help" I don't know if that meant I was fat, or I didn't know what the hell I was doing; either way it wasn't nearly as good as a phone number from a cute girl. Now suppose I had a genie and I said, "I wish that girl would give me her number" and then shit like that went down and it ended up being some fucking fat joke that I'm the butt of; I wouldn't use the lamp anymore. So benefit of the doubt; God, Buddha, Allah, Shiva, Zeus, L. Ron Hubbard, whoever my prayers are going to; had to have fucking saw that, and is probably still laughing his ass off. I'm probably on some deity YouTube getting passed around in an email to all my friends and relatives that have passed on.

It even gets weirder, so a few months ago a friend that I had only hung out with a few times, IM's me and says the guy she's seeing is breaking up with her, etc etc etc. Now I'm definitely not in a position to be giving my advice in this area, but I can lend a sympathetic ear. Well she ends up inviting me out that weekend, and generally I've never found her too attractive, but if she had the courage to ask me out, I definitely owed it to her to see where it goes. I know what you're thinking; I'm one of those guys who just sits there and bitches about girls but never has the balls to ask them out? NOT EVEN CLOSE! I've tried every approach ever concocted, every suggestion, every method I (or anyone else) can think of. In fact I think Einstein actually died from his fucking mind blowing-up trying to comprehend how the law of averages didn't even yield one prospect in the HUNDREDS of women I've tried to hook-up with. I even remember at one point it was just like a dog chasing cars, I had no idea what I'd even say if I walked up to a girl and asked her to dance and she took me up on it. I was a little drunk and I just walked up to a girl and asked her for her phone number in a night club next thing I know her (girl) friend wants to fight me and follows me back to my table and continues to bitch at me in front of my friends. Purely statistically, you would think there was some girl on the planet that wanted to go out with me, but it blows people's minds that there actually isn't. It's hard to believe but some girls even get fucking pissed when I try to talk to them. So believe me, I'm not one to make any girl feel bad about asking me out.

The days leading up she called a few times to make sure I was still in for going with her, my friend's friend even opened up a new night club and I suggested we could go there, but she was insistent that I would like her activity better. I could tell the woe-is-me act was just the way she operated, mutual friends we have warned me that she considers herself a "player" at work. But I'm a fucking dude so if some girl wants to rail me and tell her friends, I really wouldn't mind even slightly. When that girl from the "social networking" blog bragged to my friends, I was fucking Beowulf around there, people sung my praises around camp fires and held mighty feasts in my honor. Some people didn't even believe I actually even existed, so trust me, this girl could tell her friends whatever she wanted. But I could also tell that her player act was just insecurity because she's always talking about being some spinster and she's barely my age. So how could this go wrong, she asks me out, she makes it a point that I go, she doesn't let me change my plans. Well, we meet up, and she has a fucking other dude with her, I guess over the course of the week she got set up with another dude by one of her friends. And I spent most of the night talking to her friend who was married or in a relationship, something; if it wasn't me that I was talking about, I would wonder how in the fuck this could even go wrong! No matter how you slice it, that's awkward, for me and for the other guy to have another single guy there.

So what is it? Bad karma? I'll never fucking know, but it's just crap. This reminds me of another time I had the dumb ass idea to ask a platonic girl friend "what am I doing wrong?" She was a girl at my work and I knew she was happily married, but she had the exact same Starbucks drink order as me and so I was fast friends with her. But we had only known each other for like 2 months and I let the, "what am I doing wrong?" question slip out when we were talking over lunch one time. Well she rattles off like 20 things without even pausing. I was almost sick: I'm fat, I lack confidence, I am messy, I don't shave properly, I'm short, I flirt too much, I don't flirt enough, I am an alcoholic, I have freckles, my hands shake sometimes, I'm too nice, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. It's like she had a fucking list already made, just on the off chance that I would ask, "what is wrong with me?" You know, I may not be the nicest guy in the world but I at least think for the most part people are okay just the way they are. But shit, if girls I'm friends with have that list going, who knows what strangers and girls looking for guys think. Feel free to give me any advice you want, but I guarantee I have heard it all before so it may not be even worth your time. I am who I am, and when I try to be someone else, it just seems too fake so what can I do? But all of you who have become discouraged in love, just remember this, "you can't possibly strike out with a girl who calls you up out of the blue and MAKES YOU CHANGE YOUR FUCKING PLANS AND INVITES ANOTHER DATE AND DOESN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU THE WHOLE NIGHT"... THAT IS UNREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!