I recently saw an article that makes me sick to my stomach titled "She's happily married, dreaming of divorce." And it's about a "Mid-Wife Crisis" and it was spread to the readers of Oprah's magazine and tries to make divorce seem trendy, and almost eludes to the fact that people who stay married to the same person are doing it because they are undesirable or cowards.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/index.html
Can you imagine if a guy wrote an article about getting sick of a woman that isn't attractive and divorcing her? People would hang him by his thumbs! To summarize the article basically her husband wakes her up with, "good morning" every morning, buttons his shirt wrong, and leaves his shoes in the hall. But since women are attractive for longer, she should be able divorce and try again. My take is that: you are an independent woman that can do anything you want, but your husband needs to be making you happy? The whole deal with "independence" is that you get freedom sacrificing dependency on others... Am I wrong? Here are some actual excerpts from the article:
"I contemplate divorce every day. It tugs on my sleeve each morning when my husband, Will, greets me in his chipper, smug morning-person voice, because after 16 years of waking up together, he still hasn't quite pieced out that I'm not viable before 10 a.m."
BOIL HIM IN OIL! This sums up the article really well if you don't want to read it, you can just look at this and see the kind of article it is. I'm sorry but I can think of worse things than someone saying "good morning" to you. In fact, I want people to say good morning to me, that would really put a good start to my fucking day. I am serious; please do tell me good morning! I can't even picture the kind of person who would think that that was a divorce worthy trespass...
"Nor is Will the Very Bad Man that I've made him out to be. Rather, like every other male I know, he is merely a Moderately Bad Man, the kind of man who will leave his longboat-sized shoes directly in the flow of our home's traffic so that one day I'll trip over them, break my neck, and die, after which he'll walk home from the morgue, grief-stricken, take off his shoes with a heavy heart, and leave them in the center of the room until they kill the housekeeper. Everyman."
I guess this makes me a moderately bad man, obviously Ellen Tien has never done anything bad ever. I know a girl that got her fucking puppy stabbed by her bipolar boyfriend and she's still thinking about marrying him when he gets out of jail. I would consider that guy a "bad guy" and so leaving shoes on the floor hardly even seems in the same LEAGUE to me.
"But we, we with our 21st-century access to youth captured in a gleaming Mason jar with a pinked square of gingham rubber-banded over the top, we are still visually tolerable if not downright irresistible when we're 30 or 35 or 40. If you believe the fashion magazines -- which I devoutly do -- even 50- and 60-year-olds are (lick finger, touch to imaginary surface, make sizzle noise) pretty hot tickets."
I would love to see the fate you have in store for yourself when you put your divorce-for-fun shit to practice at 50 or 60. I don't see how this is any different from a man saying he is going to dump his wife because he could get a hotter, younger wife because he makes enough money to.
"We were groomed to think bigger and better -- achievement was our birthright -- so it's small surprise that our marriages are more freighted. Marriage and its cruel cohort, fidelity, are a lot to expect from anyone, much less from swift-flying us. Would we agree to wear the same eyeshadow or eat in the same restaurant every day for a lifetime? Nay, cry the villagers, the echo answers nay. We believe in our superhood. We count on it."
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? What the hell did you do for the women's empowerment movement, aside from this piece of bullshit? So you're too good to sleep with one guy for the rest of your life? That's that same old hook all frat guys say about women... when they are retarded frat guy douches. You are a grown-ass woman, don't you find any solace in coming home to a warm hearth?
"No. Your husband is not your best friend. Your best friend is your best friend. If your husband were your best friend, what would that make your best friend -- the dog? When a woman tells me that her husband is her best friend, what I hear is: I don't really have any friends."
No, you're wrong, you see your husband would be your best friend if you didn't view him like he's some kind of court jester that needs to amuse you all the time. It's a two way street, unless you take at least some responsibility for it you are going to be miserable in any marriage.
"I recently stood by as a clothing designer, a mother in her 40s, announced to a group of women that she was divorcing her husband. The women's faces flickered with curiosity, support, recognition, and -- could it be? -- yearning. Not a one of us suggested that she try harder to make it work. No voice murmured, 'What a shame.'"
I'm glad you have friends as shallow and petty as you, but sometimes divorce needs to happen, but it isn't like when your friend gets a puppy and then you get one. You can really devastate someone, and children almost inevitably have blame transference on themselves. I hope if I ever get married that I don't wind up with a bitch like this, it's like her husband is a purse or something and he is going out of style so he gets tossed in the trash. I just wish I could make Ellen Tien walk a mile in my shoes, I tanked the only interview I've had in 4 months, drove by a sprinkler with my window open, then my fuel line busted, and you know how I'll be wrapping my day up? Sleeping in a cold bed by myself thanking God that the gas from my ruptured fuel line didn't make me explode. I WISH MY MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM WAS TRIPPING OVER SHOES AND GETTING A GOOD MORNING... Freakin' bitch.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Truth is Stranger Than Fiction...
Okay to make up for my last two totally whack posts I decided to do something "worthwhile" in the loosest meaning of the word. This is almost a cautionary tale about posting pictures of yourself on social networking sites. I saw this video on theinternetisterrible.com of a guy with an awful autotune song and some "obviously trying too hard" pictures of himself. I'll post the link but it's probably going to just keep getting taken down:
If for some reason you are a sadist and the link isn't up but you still want to hear the song, I am pretty sure this is the actual guy who made the song (based on the interviews I'll post below). Posting three videos is kind of overkill so I'll just put a link to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDqyuYFAZSk
But anyway, first impression, I could carry this video around and show it to chicks and tell them, "I'm not this guy, so let's have sex." Even now with a hang-over I'm trying to hear as little as possible to confirm that this is the song I'm looking for. I've seen a lot of videos on the Internet where I got my confidence boosted; you know it was like I feel like a better person, even though I didn't do anything specifically good. You know, the crazies just kind of tipped the scale to the point I am just a desirable asset to the gene pool and society at large. I even posted this on my Facebook and passed it around to some of my friends. But then I got fucking Hadokened with guilt after I saw this:
So, if you aren't fluent in Irish (believe me it took me like 5 times to get the gist of this) that video is a FAKE; not like it's a joke, some motherfucker took his pictures and someone else's song and put it through autotune created a profile with his NAME and posted it. This guy has his own business and possibly a competitor did this to tarnish his name. But when the video was actually up, occasionally "tomoconnor2009" would even respond to the comments people wrote. That adds a new element to identity theft, it's even fucking creepy psycho shit. I am not too worried, I'm pretty sure that I'm on a comfortable perch where people don't have a super high opinion of me as is, but it's definitely something for you all to consider. He said he's been trying to get it taken down for almost a week. Can you imagine if you had this video and you saw all these people telling you to kill yourself?
It gets weirder the further down the rabbit hole you go, so if this guy didn't make that video or the song, why is his alter ego "promoting" his album that will drop this fall. It's not on the new video but on the original it had those YouTube tag things with links to his website and ones about his album dropping in the fall. The website is real, and it has more pictures and a "bio" which is soooo fucking weird and borderline creepy. They made up a back story for this guy (who knows that might even be a real back story) I guess, the ultimate point is that it's impossible to tell, I mean how do you even set the record straight if this happens to you?
http://www.tom2d-oc.com/
Here are the facts:
If for some reason you are a sadist and the link isn't up but you still want to hear the song, I am pretty sure this is the actual guy who made the song (based on the interviews I'll post below). Posting three videos is kind of overkill so I'll just put a link to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDqyuYFAZSk
But anyway, first impression, I could carry this video around and show it to chicks and tell them, "I'm not this guy, so let's have sex." Even now with a hang-over I'm trying to hear as little as possible to confirm that this is the song I'm looking for. I've seen a lot of videos on the Internet where I got my confidence boosted; you know it was like I feel like a better person, even though I didn't do anything specifically good. You know, the crazies just kind of tipped the scale to the point I am just a desirable asset to the gene pool and society at large. I even posted this on my Facebook and passed it around to some of my friends. But then I got fucking Hadokened with guilt after I saw this:
So, if you aren't fluent in Irish (believe me it took me like 5 times to get the gist of this) that video is a FAKE; not like it's a joke, some motherfucker took his pictures and someone else's song and put it through autotune created a profile with his NAME and posted it. This guy has his own business and possibly a competitor did this to tarnish his name. But when the video was actually up, occasionally "tomoconnor2009" would even respond to the comments people wrote. That adds a new element to identity theft, it's even fucking creepy psycho shit. I am not too worried, I'm pretty sure that I'm on a comfortable perch where people don't have a super high opinion of me as is, but it's definitely something for you all to consider. He said he's been trying to get it taken down for almost a week. Can you imagine if you had this video and you saw all these people telling you to kill yourself?
It gets weirder the further down the rabbit hole you go, so if this guy didn't make that video or the song, why is his alter ego "promoting" his album that will drop this fall. It's not on the new video but on the original it had those YouTube tag things with links to his website and ones about his album dropping in the fall. The website is real, and it has more pictures and a "bio" which is soooo fucking weird and borderline creepy. They made up a back story for this guy (who knows that might even be a real back story) I guess, the ultimate point is that it's impossible to tell, I mean how do you even set the record straight if this happens to you?
http://www.tom2d-oc.com/
Here are the facts:
- The original video has been taken down.
- The username tomoconnor2009 isn't even there anymore.
So no matter if the radio interview is to set the record straight, to save face when his YouTube video went totally awry, or if the interview is fake all together... This guy's life is ruined, I even heard that guy took his own life last night; I don't have any evidence to support that because this is just as much conjecture as the rest of the story, but honestly I wouldn't be surprised. The Internet will chew you up, ruin your life, twist the fabric of reality so that it's so skewed you will never be able to tell the truth from the lie. While half of YouTube is telling him to "kill yourself" whoever did make this gets to keep their anonymity and sit on the sidelines while this guy's world gets destroyed. What a sick fucking world... but I am just pointing the finger and pointing three back at myself; I passed it around to my friends laughing at this guy, if he did kill himself I'm just as much to blame as everyone else. But what kind of sicko tells someone else to kill themselves? I know some disgusting human beings, ones that seem to slap God in the face for giving them perfectly functional brains with every inconsiderate foolish choice they make. Do I want them to kill themselves? God no, I wouldn't even joke about that! I would rather them better themselves... am I wrong?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Okay, What About Inner-Beauty? Um... I do have Inner-Beauty Right? Hello?
Recently I have been noticing a sad trend in my life. It's not that I feel my prayers go unanswered, but it's even worse than that. You see I have been getting what I pray for, but it's in some weird Twilight Zonish, sold my soul to the devil, cursed wish giving monkey's paw, be-careful-what-you-wish-for-you-just-might-get-it sort of way. I hate to be the guy who never gets over shit, so this will be hopefully the last time I mention it, but I prayed for some time off so I could do the things I like, and soon after I got laid off and have been for almost 10 months. So needless to say, even if I say I haven't lost my faith, what the hell can I do, pray for something just to have it explode in my face. Case and point, I was at the gym today and I saw this cute girl (doing the same exercises as I was) and she even gave me a seductive sort of smirk. Well she goes over to one of the club employees and talks to him, he said, "hey Jesse" and waved me over, and the girl motioned for me to take my headphones out. I was like, "damn, that's awesome she must have asked that guy what my name was so I would introduce myself to her." Well she starts talking to me about my shirt and then about school and we're having a good chat, the club guy even leaves for a few minutes. We continue our conversation, then the guy comes back a little while later with a card that he gives to Laura and she starts writing her phone number on the back of the card. I thought to myself, "fuck yeah, I got a cute girl's number and all I had to do was be in the right place at the right time!" But then the guy turns to me and says, "You know, I can get you a free session with Laura here." "Excuse me?" I said confused. "You look like you could use some help and Laura is a personal trainer here." So it's not about she wants to get to know me better, she's buttering me up so I train with her. And what the fuck was that about "I could use the help" I don't know if that meant I was fat, or I didn't know what the hell I was doing; either way it wasn't nearly as good as a phone number from a cute girl. Now suppose I had a genie and I said, "I wish that girl would give me her number" and then shit like that went down and it ended up being some fucking fat joke that I'm the butt of; I wouldn't use the lamp anymore. So benefit of the doubt; God, Buddha, Allah, Shiva, Zeus, L. Ron Hubbard, whoever my prayers are going to; had to have fucking saw that, and is probably still laughing his ass off. I'm probably on some deity YouTube getting passed around in an email to all my friends and relatives that have passed on.
It even gets weirder, so a few months ago a friend that I had only hung out with a few times, IM's me and says the guy she's seeing is breaking up with her, etc etc etc. Now I'm definitely not in a position to be giving my advice in this area, but I can lend a sympathetic ear. Well she ends up inviting me out that weekend, and generally I've never found her too attractive, but if she had the courage to ask me out, I definitely owed it to her to see where it goes. I know what you're thinking; I'm one of those guys who just sits there and bitches about girls but never has the balls to ask them out? NOT EVEN CLOSE! I've tried every approach ever concocted, every suggestion, every method I (or anyone else) can think of. In fact I think Einstein actually died from his fucking mind blowing-up trying to comprehend how the law of averages didn't even yield one prospect in the HUNDREDS of women I've tried to hook-up with. I even remember at one point it was just like a dog chasing cars, I had no idea what I'd even say if I walked up to a girl and asked her to dance and she took me up on it. I was a little drunk and I just walked up to a girl and asked her for her phone number in a night club next thing I know her (girl) friend wants to fight me and follows me back to my table and continues to bitch at me in front of my friends. Purely statistically, you would think there was some girl on the planet that wanted to go out with me, but it blows people's minds that there actually isn't. It's hard to believe but some girls even get fucking pissed when I try to talk to them. So believe me, I'm not one to make any girl feel bad about asking me out.
The days leading up she called a few times to make sure I was still in for going with her, my friend's friend even opened up a new night club and I suggested we could go there, but she was insistent that I would like her activity better. I could tell the woe-is-me act was just the way she operated, mutual friends we have warned me that she considers herself a "player" at work. But I'm a fucking dude so if some girl wants to rail me and tell her friends, I really wouldn't mind even slightly. When that girl from the "social networking" blog bragged to my friends, I was fucking Beowulf around there, people sung my praises around camp fires and held mighty feasts in my honor. Some people didn't even believe I actually even existed, so trust me, this girl could tell her friends whatever she wanted. But I could also tell that her player act was just insecurity because she's always talking about being some spinster and she's barely my age. So how could this go wrong, she asks me out, she makes it a point that I go, she doesn't let me change my plans. Well, we meet up, and she has a fucking other dude with her, I guess over the course of the week she got set up with another dude by one of her friends. And I spent most of the night talking to her friend who was married or in a relationship, something; if it wasn't me that I was talking about, I would wonder how in the fuck this could even go wrong! No matter how you slice it, that's awkward, for me and for the other guy to have another single guy there.
So what is it? Bad karma? I'll never fucking know, but it's just crap. This reminds me of another time I had the dumb ass idea to ask a platonic girl friend "what am I doing wrong?" She was a girl at my work and I knew she was happily married, but she had the exact same Starbucks drink order as me and so I was fast friends with her. But we had only known each other for like 2 months and I let the, "what am I doing wrong?" question slip out when we were talking over lunch one time. Well she rattles off like 20 things without even pausing. I was almost sick: I'm fat, I lack confidence, I am messy, I don't shave properly, I'm short, I flirt too much, I don't flirt enough, I am an alcoholic, I have freckles, my hands shake sometimes, I'm too nice, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. It's like she had a fucking list already made, just on the off chance that I would ask, "what is wrong with me?" You know, I may not be the nicest guy in the world but I at least think for the most part people are okay just the way they are. But shit, if girls I'm friends with have that list going, who knows what strangers and girls looking for guys think. Feel free to give me any advice you want, but I guarantee I have heard it all before so it may not be even worth your time. I am who I am, and when I try to be someone else, it just seems too fake so what can I do? But all of you who have become discouraged in love, just remember this, "you can't possibly strike out with a girl who calls you up out of the blue and MAKES YOU CHANGE YOUR FUCKING PLANS AND INVITES ANOTHER DATE AND DOESN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU THE WHOLE NIGHT"... THAT IS UNREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!
It even gets weirder, so a few months ago a friend that I had only hung out with a few times, IM's me and says the guy she's seeing is breaking up with her, etc etc etc. Now I'm definitely not in a position to be giving my advice in this area, but I can lend a sympathetic ear. Well she ends up inviting me out that weekend, and generally I've never found her too attractive, but if she had the courage to ask me out, I definitely owed it to her to see where it goes. I know what you're thinking; I'm one of those guys who just sits there and bitches about girls but never has the balls to ask them out? NOT EVEN CLOSE! I've tried every approach ever concocted, every suggestion, every method I (or anyone else) can think of. In fact I think Einstein actually died from his fucking mind blowing-up trying to comprehend how the law of averages didn't even yield one prospect in the HUNDREDS of women I've tried to hook-up with. I even remember at one point it was just like a dog chasing cars, I had no idea what I'd even say if I walked up to a girl and asked her to dance and she took me up on it. I was a little drunk and I just walked up to a girl and asked her for her phone number in a night club next thing I know her (girl) friend wants to fight me and follows me back to my table and continues to bitch at me in front of my friends. Purely statistically, you would think there was some girl on the planet that wanted to go out with me, but it blows people's minds that there actually isn't. It's hard to believe but some girls even get fucking pissed when I try to talk to them. So believe me, I'm not one to make any girl feel bad about asking me out.
The days leading up she called a few times to make sure I was still in for going with her, my friend's friend even opened up a new night club and I suggested we could go there, but she was insistent that I would like her activity better. I could tell the woe-is-me act was just the way she operated, mutual friends we have warned me that she considers herself a "player" at work. But I'm a fucking dude so if some girl wants to rail me and tell her friends, I really wouldn't mind even slightly. When that girl from the "social networking" blog bragged to my friends, I was fucking Beowulf around there, people sung my praises around camp fires and held mighty feasts in my honor. Some people didn't even believe I actually even existed, so trust me, this girl could tell her friends whatever she wanted. But I could also tell that her player act was just insecurity because she's always talking about being some spinster and she's barely my age. So how could this go wrong, she asks me out, she makes it a point that I go, she doesn't let me change my plans. Well, we meet up, and she has a fucking other dude with her, I guess over the course of the week she got set up with another dude by one of her friends. And I spent most of the night talking to her friend who was married or in a relationship, something; if it wasn't me that I was talking about, I would wonder how in the fuck this could even go wrong! No matter how you slice it, that's awkward, for me and for the other guy to have another single guy there.
So what is it? Bad karma? I'll never fucking know, but it's just crap. This reminds me of another time I had the dumb ass idea to ask a platonic girl friend "what am I doing wrong?" She was a girl at my work and I knew she was happily married, but she had the exact same Starbucks drink order as me and so I was fast friends with her. But we had only known each other for like 2 months and I let the, "what am I doing wrong?" question slip out when we were talking over lunch one time. Well she rattles off like 20 things without even pausing. I was almost sick: I'm fat, I lack confidence, I am messy, I don't shave properly, I'm short, I flirt too much, I don't flirt enough, I am an alcoholic, I have freckles, my hands shake sometimes, I'm too nice, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. It's like she had a fucking list already made, just on the off chance that I would ask, "what is wrong with me?" You know, I may not be the nicest guy in the world but I at least think for the most part people are okay just the way they are. But shit, if girls I'm friends with have that list going, who knows what strangers and girls looking for guys think. Feel free to give me any advice you want, but I guarantee I have heard it all before so it may not be even worth your time. I am who I am, and when I try to be someone else, it just seems too fake so what can I do? But all of you who have become discouraged in love, just remember this, "you can't possibly strike out with a girl who calls you up out of the blue and MAKES YOU CHANGE YOUR FUCKING PLANS AND INVITES ANOTHER DATE AND DOESN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU THE WHOLE NIGHT"... THAT IS UNREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!
Friday, September 11, 2009
A Sad Blog, For a Sad Day...
Now, I realize it may be in poor taste to some to discuss my opinions on the 9/11 conspiracy theorists on 9/11; no doubt even after 8 years the sting is still there. So if you would like to bypass today's blog please do.
I recently saw the movie "Loose Change" (the 9/11 conspiracy not the Ja Rule video) I am totally behind the times on this one even more than the "I Pledge" video. But I will say this, it raises questions and is very entertaining, it's 1 hour and 20 minutes so if you are in for it go and watch it. I won't link it under threats of "murder" from a few of my friends, but you can Google it or whatever, just like I said, if you watch the Ja Rule one you may kind of be on the wrong page for this blog. Now, I will just start off by saying that these are some very passionate, very plucky youths that really did their homework. If, say, they drove around in a van solving pirate ghost mysteries, I would totally watch it. And watching it, this video, I was like, "Damn, that is weird." Will I sign up for their newsletter? I wouldn't go that far. But do I think that these guys have some sinister motive for making this? No, I think they just stumbled on to a bunch of other people's websites and got swept up in a kind of pull. I'll admit after seeing a Myth Busters intro in which they were going to debunk the moon landing hoax myths, I thought, "those are some really good points about the moon landing." But all of them were debunked, at least to my satisfaction.
I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately, as well as in the past. I'm noticing a very disturbing trend with modern documentaries (late 90's on) and it's where they have an outcome or agenda that they are pushing on us. For instance, I saw Fahrenheit 911 (a family friend offered to pay for me if I would see it with her) and it really got me fired up after seeing it. But I realized I am simply being swayed. The best documentaries I've seen, really let the story tell itself. They interview the people close to the story, experts, etc. and it's more organic that way. And also there are no people telling you the conclusions to be drawn, in fact in most of the good, educational documentaries, you don't even get to see the people making it. Now, remembering back to the days of my Lincoln-Douglass debates, I remember that you would get the side of a debate and pick ideas to support it. That being said, there are many, many facts, experts, and eye witnesses that can support any idea. In many different interviews of the two they said how the firemen they quoted on the movie, would not give their testimonies on the Loose Change video. Is it coercion? Is it that they were lying? I doubt it, but when there are so many things going on, it's hard to trust your own memory.
Okay so I know I'm all apologies today but I was told this is kind of a disturbing story but it is one from my experience where things were so out of control that I lost track of what was going on. If you want to skip through it, I'll put it in Astrix's.
**
Now, after a long day at work I decided to call it an early night at about 7:00, it was hard to get to sleep because my upstairs neighbor was running some sort of water. After about an hour water started to seep through the corners of my ceiling. It's not unlikely that maybe she left the bathtub running and dozed off. I went up to her apartment and knocked her door, but it sounded like maybe the TV was on or she was talking on the telephone. After banging on the door with no response, I called the emergency maintenance number but the guy said he was eating dinner and would be there in a while. It was probably an hour and a half before he actually got there, and when he did he said, "Oh shit, I'm not going into that apartment, that bitch is crazy, she pulled a gun on me one time." I knew where he was coming from, the lady was crazy and in her 40's and dating a much younger gangster looking guy who was in and out of prison. I had called the police on them at least twice after hearing screaming and what sounded to me like physical scuffles. Neighbors would corroborate this story, telling me stories about her stopping by at all hours of the night asking to use the phone injured and in tears, or sometimes bragging that her boyfriend got her some crack cocaine to try. While I don't know very much about her, sometimes she would go months without a peep other times they would be screaming and fighting so loud my friends that visited me would have to raise their voices to drown it out.
Well back to the story, my apartment is slowly filling with water and the maintenance guy doesn't want to go into the lady upstairs's apartment and turn it off. So we call the police, and they were able to respond in under a half hour, but they said since the door was locked and they didn't have a warrant it was actually the fire department's jurisdiction as she was maybe in danger. It took them nearly an hour to arrive and set up so they could go in through a window. By this time my apartment was filled with water in the bedroom and standing water even in the living room. But I could cross my legs and be out of the water while in the living room. This left me few options but to just look at the clock. A female firefighter came down to my apartment and said the water was turned off but it will still drip until the water drained and to start cleaning up my things. Well I thought maybe her water heater just broke or something and I didn't see any harm in gathering my things. Soaked in this water a detective starts asking me questions about the incident, it was then I figured out I'm soaked in this "dead body" water. Well that certainly isn't the point, so here is what it was. The boyfriend had just recently gotten out of jail, the woman was unstable, and the cause of death was told to me as being, "massive head injury from hitting the toilet" (and the impact was enough to break the toilet to cause the flooding).
You could interpret it many different ways, her boyfriend killed her, she committed suicide, or she just fell. The detective told me that he's ruling it an accident and that one of the details in my story didn't add up, that being that the TV wasn't on and she had to have died from the impact onto the toilet. If a reporter came to me and asked my story I would have told her about the noises I heard when I knocked on her door; and certainly the way I remember it even today, I did hear talking. Another thing was the latch or chain that could only be locked from the inside, is what prevented the police from going in, in the first place. One of the neighbors said that she knows that she was murdered because she weighed 90 pounds and even falling like a sack of potatoes couldn't have broken the toilet. She went on to say that, the man was so much of a thug that he knew how to lock the latch and jump of the balcony (only about 15 feet, I wouldn't jump it to catch the bus, but I would survive falling off it probably). That was interesting food for thought, those toilets were built like a rock and her frail figure would have to have quite a bit of momentum behind it to break it. But can I honestly say that the detective suppressed valid parts of my testimony or covered it up? No way, he deals with this all the time, I most certainly don't. If he says, "accident" I'm inclined to think it's an accident, but nobody really knows and there are lingering questions.
**
Now, I'm no fancy big-city scientist; and I probably know less about physics than these guys (and some things they say are thoroughly debunked anyway). But let's concentrate on the motive. The flimsiest part of this whole thing is the very reason for the conspiracy, he said the twin towers were attacked because of people trying to cover up insider training? Are you fucking kidding me? So I'm some Wall Street bigshot and I'm about to get nailed for insider trading and my only idea is to create a nation-wide conspiracy and sacrifice thousands of innocent lives? Insider trading is a couple years in a minimum security prison, if you were to get caught planning something like this that would be a few years in, what Office Space calls, "Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison," and if you got caught doing this, that's a revolving-door jury to put you in the gas chamber. And as far as coercion? Even if you had the clout to shut up all the people involved with this, your life is a house of cards, any one of these people has a crisis of conscience and your plan is totally undone. Worse than that, maybe someone decides that maybe a few documents might be worth something and you could get blackmailed for life.
And that other stuff he talked about, the dump truck full of gold under building 7? That would be believable if real life was Die Hard 3. Anyone who has seen a James Bond knows that gold heists are good because they can be melted down and sold anywhere, but let's not get carried away; there are some huge problems with gold. Primarily it's very heavy, while a dump truck full is very valuable, what can you do with it? Who could you even trust to get a dump truck full of gold where you need it to go? Where would you take it? Are you going to fill up packages at Cash4Gold.com? The time it would take to fence and smelt a dump truck full of gold would be a magnet for problems. If anyone found out about it you could have an army after it, so after hush money, laundering, trustworthy muscle, a fence that can even offload that amount of gold within the conspirator's lifetime; it's safe to assume it's not worth as much as it is in world trade... so if you want to make money, you would be better off swindling it, then you ever would hauling it away. And let's say there was gold there, why would they do something to the Pentagon and flight 93? Unless there is some kind of National Treasure director's cut, there shouldn't be any gold in the Pentagon. If any one of the bizarre other attacks had failed (and anyone got apprehended) then the whole project fails. I can't imagine that there would be a person out there that would say that the twin towers going down weren't a big enough smoke screen to get away with a couple hundred million dollars.
Let's also consider the ethical implications of this, that people within the government are keeping quiet because they want to keep their jobs. Those are some pretty stirring images on the TV, on websites, people sending prayers through the email; you want me to believe that there isn't one person out there that would have a crisis of conscience after seeing all these things? And coercion by the FBI, oh brother, you think they can keep tabs on the hundreds of thousands of people that could have stumbled on to a conspiracy this big? You can't tell me even the "Patriot Act" can do that. They also talked about one of the pilots doing drills to crash into the Pentagon. It's one thing to profiteer off of the deaths of 10's of thousands of civilians; but you want to say that there is a pilot out there that was willing to kill himself so that somebody else could get a couple hundred million dollars? I may be wrong about this, but... isn't the point of a high level multi-million dollar conspiracy, that you live to spend the money?
I recently saw the movie "Loose Change" (the 9/11 conspiracy not the Ja Rule video) I am totally behind the times on this one even more than the "I Pledge" video. But I will say this, it raises questions and is very entertaining, it's 1 hour and 20 minutes so if you are in for it go and watch it. I won't link it under threats of "murder" from a few of my friends, but you can Google it or whatever, just like I said, if you watch the Ja Rule one you may kind of be on the wrong page for this blog. Now, I will just start off by saying that these are some very passionate, very plucky youths that really did their homework. If, say, they drove around in a van solving pirate ghost mysteries, I would totally watch it. And watching it, this video, I was like, "Damn, that is weird." Will I sign up for their newsletter? I wouldn't go that far. But do I think that these guys have some sinister motive for making this? No, I think they just stumbled on to a bunch of other people's websites and got swept up in a kind of pull. I'll admit after seeing a Myth Busters intro in which they were going to debunk the moon landing hoax myths, I thought, "those are some really good points about the moon landing." But all of them were debunked, at least to my satisfaction.
I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately, as well as in the past. I'm noticing a very disturbing trend with modern documentaries (late 90's on) and it's where they have an outcome or agenda that they are pushing on us. For instance, I saw Fahrenheit 911 (a family friend offered to pay for me if I would see it with her) and it really got me fired up after seeing it. But I realized I am simply being swayed. The best documentaries I've seen, really let the story tell itself. They interview the people close to the story, experts, etc. and it's more organic that way. And also there are no people telling you the conclusions to be drawn, in fact in most of the good, educational documentaries, you don't even get to see the people making it. Now, remembering back to the days of my Lincoln-Douglass debates, I remember that you would get the side of a debate and pick ideas to support it. That being said, there are many, many facts, experts, and eye witnesses that can support any idea. In many different interviews of the two they said how the firemen they quoted on the movie, would not give their testimonies on the Loose Change video. Is it coercion? Is it that they were lying? I doubt it, but when there are so many things going on, it's hard to trust your own memory.
Okay so I know I'm all apologies today but I was told this is kind of a disturbing story but it is one from my experience where things were so out of control that I lost track of what was going on. If you want to skip through it, I'll put it in Astrix's.
**
Now, after a long day at work I decided to call it an early night at about 7:00, it was hard to get to sleep because my upstairs neighbor was running some sort of water. After about an hour water started to seep through the corners of my ceiling. It's not unlikely that maybe she left the bathtub running and dozed off. I went up to her apartment and knocked her door, but it sounded like maybe the TV was on or she was talking on the telephone. After banging on the door with no response, I called the emergency maintenance number but the guy said he was eating dinner and would be there in a while. It was probably an hour and a half before he actually got there, and when he did he said, "Oh shit, I'm not going into that apartment, that bitch is crazy, she pulled a gun on me one time." I knew where he was coming from, the lady was crazy and in her 40's and dating a much younger gangster looking guy who was in and out of prison. I had called the police on them at least twice after hearing screaming and what sounded to me like physical scuffles. Neighbors would corroborate this story, telling me stories about her stopping by at all hours of the night asking to use the phone injured and in tears, or sometimes bragging that her boyfriend got her some crack cocaine to try. While I don't know very much about her, sometimes she would go months without a peep other times they would be screaming and fighting so loud my friends that visited me would have to raise their voices to drown it out.
Well back to the story, my apartment is slowly filling with water and the maintenance guy doesn't want to go into the lady upstairs's apartment and turn it off. So we call the police, and they were able to respond in under a half hour, but they said since the door was locked and they didn't have a warrant it was actually the fire department's jurisdiction as she was maybe in danger. It took them nearly an hour to arrive and set up so they could go in through a window. By this time my apartment was filled with water in the bedroom and standing water even in the living room. But I could cross my legs and be out of the water while in the living room. This left me few options but to just look at the clock. A female firefighter came down to my apartment and said the water was turned off but it will still drip until the water drained and to start cleaning up my things. Well I thought maybe her water heater just broke or something and I didn't see any harm in gathering my things. Soaked in this water a detective starts asking me questions about the incident, it was then I figured out I'm soaked in this "dead body" water. Well that certainly isn't the point, so here is what it was. The boyfriend had just recently gotten out of jail, the woman was unstable, and the cause of death was told to me as being, "massive head injury from hitting the toilet" (and the impact was enough to break the toilet to cause the flooding).
You could interpret it many different ways, her boyfriend killed her, she committed suicide, or she just fell. The detective told me that he's ruling it an accident and that one of the details in my story didn't add up, that being that the TV wasn't on and she had to have died from the impact onto the toilet. If a reporter came to me and asked my story I would have told her about the noises I heard when I knocked on her door; and certainly the way I remember it even today, I did hear talking. Another thing was the latch or chain that could only be locked from the inside, is what prevented the police from going in, in the first place. One of the neighbors said that she knows that she was murdered because she weighed 90 pounds and even falling like a sack of potatoes couldn't have broken the toilet. She went on to say that, the man was so much of a thug that he knew how to lock the latch and jump of the balcony (only about 15 feet, I wouldn't jump it to catch the bus, but I would survive falling off it probably). That was interesting food for thought, those toilets were built like a rock and her frail figure would have to have quite a bit of momentum behind it to break it. But can I honestly say that the detective suppressed valid parts of my testimony or covered it up? No way, he deals with this all the time, I most certainly don't. If he says, "accident" I'm inclined to think it's an accident, but nobody really knows and there are lingering questions.
**
Now, I'm no fancy big-city scientist; and I probably know less about physics than these guys (and some things they say are thoroughly debunked anyway). But let's concentrate on the motive. The flimsiest part of this whole thing is the very reason for the conspiracy, he said the twin towers were attacked because of people trying to cover up insider training? Are you fucking kidding me? So I'm some Wall Street bigshot and I'm about to get nailed for insider trading and my only idea is to create a nation-wide conspiracy and sacrifice thousands of innocent lives? Insider trading is a couple years in a minimum security prison, if you were to get caught planning something like this that would be a few years in, what Office Space calls, "Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison," and if you got caught doing this, that's a revolving-door jury to put you in the gas chamber. And as far as coercion? Even if you had the clout to shut up all the people involved with this, your life is a house of cards, any one of these people has a crisis of conscience and your plan is totally undone. Worse than that, maybe someone decides that maybe a few documents might be worth something and you could get blackmailed for life.
And that other stuff he talked about, the dump truck full of gold under building 7? That would be believable if real life was Die Hard 3. Anyone who has seen a James Bond knows that gold heists are good because they can be melted down and sold anywhere, but let's not get carried away; there are some huge problems with gold. Primarily it's very heavy, while a dump truck full is very valuable, what can you do with it? Who could you even trust to get a dump truck full of gold where you need it to go? Where would you take it? Are you going to fill up packages at Cash4Gold.com? The time it would take to fence and smelt a dump truck full of gold would be a magnet for problems. If anyone found out about it you could have an army after it, so after hush money, laundering, trustworthy muscle, a fence that can even offload that amount of gold within the conspirator's lifetime; it's safe to assume it's not worth as much as it is in world trade... so if you want to make money, you would be better off swindling it, then you ever would hauling it away. And let's say there was gold there, why would they do something to the Pentagon and flight 93? Unless there is some kind of National Treasure director's cut, there shouldn't be any gold in the Pentagon. If any one of the bizarre other attacks had failed (and anyone got apprehended) then the whole project fails. I can't imagine that there would be a person out there that would say that the twin towers going down weren't a big enough smoke screen to get away with a couple hundred million dollars.
Let's also consider the ethical implications of this, that people within the government are keeping quiet because they want to keep their jobs. Those are some pretty stirring images on the TV, on websites, people sending prayers through the email; you want me to believe that there isn't one person out there that would have a crisis of conscience after seeing all these things? And coercion by the FBI, oh brother, you think they can keep tabs on the hundreds of thousands of people that could have stumbled on to a conspiracy this big? You can't tell me even the "Patriot Act" can do that. They also talked about one of the pilots doing drills to crash into the Pentagon. It's one thing to profiteer off of the deaths of 10's of thousands of civilians; but you want to say that there is a pilot out there that was willing to kill himself so that somebody else could get a couple hundred million dollars? I may be wrong about this, but... isn't the point of a high level multi-million dollar conspiracy, that you live to spend the money?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
No Holds Blogged Report Card
So anyway, I have been asking my friends for feedback, well I guess even strangers too, though I doubt anyone is just stumbling on to this randomly. Now, I'm going to just take a quick minute to apologize to all those that I bug the crap out of to read this. But I suppose this is really just a "bad boyfriend" apology because I have no intention of completely stopping. Just maybe cooling it for a week or so until you forget and then doing it again. I'm pretty proud of how this blog is coming along and I'm not use to this pride thing that everyone was talking about. But anyway, thanks to everyone who has stopped in to read my things! I appreciate the feedback and, by all means, keep it up. My first couple of blogs I'll admit it right now, I was testing the waters; seeing if some of the things that people didn't like in my books were things they didn't like on here. But so far nobody has said anything, but please do drop me a line if you think anything is offensive, seems creepy, overly preachy, pretty much anything that makes you stop or want to stop reading. I mean I can't make everyone happy all the time, but please do let me know if there is something you don't like (preferably not in one of the comments, maybe on Facebook or something). I usually go through and edit it like 5-6 times a day so likely it will be changed before you get to me but, I really don't pay attention to the shit I say sometimes. As far as beaming positive feedback, which I have gotten some pretty good feedback, I never get tired of that so definitely, don't be shy!
Some of the negative things I was told to kind of fix, is of course the language... I will definitely trim it down but not cut it out. Maybe not with this blog thing, but in my other writing, I personally abstain from reading too many books of the same author. And that is only partly because I'm lazy, but for the most part it's because I need to preserve my own voice and all of the colloquialisms therein. For instance if I read too much Edgar Allen Poe, I start to write like Edgar Allen Poe. Now... you're really going to have to take a ride with me on this one, but in order to be the voice of a generation, you need to be the generation. For me that's Generation Y and so if I start writing like Hunter S. Thompson or J.D. Salinger then I am just being the next Hunter S. Thompson. For instance, I say "like" a lot and it's kind of upsetting to people even slightly older than me, but if you grew up where I did, they don't always seem to notice as much. That's just the way I talk, I tried stopping, but hell, I can't really like even tell when I'm like doing it. Another thing that was brought up to me is that they are too long. I actually agree, and while I'm not going to trim down any posts I've already made I will try to be less wordy in the future.
Something that I didn't really count on but seems to be happening a lot is, not people missing the point, but zeroing in on things I didn't expect. These to me are "happy accidents" and it really is good to hear from people, because then I kind of know what people are interested in. When I give someone a 30 page 7-chapter excerpt from my books and they say, "it's good" or "it's funny" I just don't really know what is funny. Sometimes people actually highlight what they think is funny and I am sometimes surprised that something that I really didn't put much thought into and just pen-to-paper is funny to some people. Every once in a while, I get asked, "What do you look for in a girl" and I say, "Boobs" (ha, just kidding) I really say, "a similar sense of humor to mine" because some people say "good sense of humor" but I really think that some people have a perfectly fine sense of humor but they don't understand my jokes. It is also both a blessing and a curse that I'm a pretty even split of intentionally and unintentionally funny.
I really sound like a pretentious D-Bag in that last paragraph, "people miss the point of my art" "people don't understand my complex humor" "I am funny in multiple ways, in pretty much every way we've discovered so far." That's not what I was intending but, I can't really think how to fix it so whatever. But, I am serious when I say I didn't mean for it to be read that way. In fact I have kind of a bone to pick with Kevin Smith for doing this. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan, but something he said really stuck in my craw (I have been meaning to use that phrase for years). He was commenting about his animated Clerks show (see I am a fan, because I saw that) and he said something like how he had to tell his animators to redraw Jay several times because he looked too evil. His character is supposed to be that of a trouble-making kid in an adult body, or something to that effect. But to me, it's the artist's job to convey things like that and you can't fault the viewer/patron/consumer/etc. for reading your message a different way, you set the stage and we see what we are shown. Okay yes, I did say that me making this crappy blog makes me an artist, and yes that was Leo Tolstoy rolling over in his grave. But the point is, I will never say that I know what people will think is funny or meaningful in anything I write. Okay, time to pop a cork in the cheddar because I'm digging a "self-adulation" hole for myself. But if you simply cannot find something funny about anything I say, remember this: I am a lot funnier when you're drunk! *Drink responsibly... or don't, I guess I don't have to put that up until I'm court-ordered to.
Some of the negative things I was told to kind of fix, is of course the language... I will definitely trim it down but not cut it out. Maybe not with this blog thing, but in my other writing, I personally abstain from reading too many books of the same author. And that is only partly because I'm lazy, but for the most part it's because I need to preserve my own voice and all of the colloquialisms therein. For instance if I read too much Edgar Allen Poe, I start to write like Edgar Allen Poe. Now... you're really going to have to take a ride with me on this one, but in order to be the voice of a generation, you need to be the generation. For me that's Generation Y and so if I start writing like Hunter S. Thompson or J.D. Salinger then I am just being the next Hunter S. Thompson. For instance, I say "like" a lot and it's kind of upsetting to people even slightly older than me, but if you grew up where I did, they don't always seem to notice as much. That's just the way I talk, I tried stopping, but hell, I can't really like even tell when I'm like doing it. Another thing that was brought up to me is that they are too long. I actually agree, and while I'm not going to trim down any posts I've already made I will try to be less wordy in the future.
Something that I didn't really count on but seems to be happening a lot is, not people missing the point, but zeroing in on things I didn't expect. These to me are "happy accidents" and it really is good to hear from people, because then I kind of know what people are interested in. When I give someone a 30 page 7-chapter excerpt from my books and they say, "it's good" or "it's funny" I just don't really know what is funny. Sometimes people actually highlight what they think is funny and I am sometimes surprised that something that I really didn't put much thought into and just pen-to-paper is funny to some people. Every once in a while, I get asked, "What do you look for in a girl" and I say, "Boobs" (ha, just kidding) I really say, "a similar sense of humor to mine" because some people say "good sense of humor" but I really think that some people have a perfectly fine sense of humor but they don't understand my jokes. It is also both a blessing and a curse that I'm a pretty even split of intentionally and unintentionally funny.
I really sound like a pretentious D-Bag in that last paragraph, "people miss the point of my art" "people don't understand my complex humor" "I am funny in multiple ways, in pretty much every way we've discovered so far." That's not what I was intending but, I can't really think how to fix it so whatever. But, I am serious when I say I didn't mean for it to be read that way. In fact I have kind of a bone to pick with Kevin Smith for doing this. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan, but something he said really stuck in my craw (I have been meaning to use that phrase for years). He was commenting about his animated Clerks show (see I am a fan, because I saw that) and he said something like how he had to tell his animators to redraw Jay several times because he looked too evil. His character is supposed to be that of a trouble-making kid in an adult body, or something to that effect. But to me, it's the artist's job to convey things like that and you can't fault the viewer/patron/consumer/etc. for reading your message a different way, you set the stage and we see what we are shown. Okay yes, I did say that me making this crappy blog makes me an artist, and yes that was Leo Tolstoy rolling over in his grave. But the point is, I will never say that I know what people will think is funny or meaningful in anything I write. Okay, time to pop a cork in the cheddar because I'm digging a "self-adulation" hole for myself. But if you simply cannot find something funny about anything I say, remember this: I am a lot funnier when you're drunk! *Drink responsibly... or don't, I guess I don't have to put that up until I'm court-ordered to.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Social Networking Sites, It's Like Imaginary Friends For Adults!
So I came across several articles in the last couple days about "Social Networking Sites" and the perils and pitfalls therein. My favorite one on the lines of absurdity was one from msnbc.com talking about Facebook like it's a trendy new nightclub and how you need to blend in or everyone will know you're a phony and basically "They're all going to laugh at you" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29555198/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets?pg=1 . Now I was on Facebook when you needed a valid university email address, in fact I remember I had to borrow my friend's extra college email because my school wasn't even on the list of valid universities yet. So basically I'm an OG Facebooker, which is nothing to be proud of, but still. First off, if you are intimidated about joining Facebook, you should probably just hold off on it for a little while. Nobody is going to put a fucking gun to your head so "surviving" it isn't really necessary. And it also kind of eludes to maybe you are getting on here so that you can keep tabs on your children? I don't think you should join for that reason either. Kids have the right to go a little crazy when they are in college. If you want to keep in touch with friends, share pictures, and just generally be in the loop by all means join. And as far as the "don't put your picture up" thing this guy was talking about, fuck that, I don't exactly look like a movie star and many of my friends don't either; but I would still prefer to see their smiling face instead of some cartoon as he suggests. Part of the fun of this, is that you see people from high school and the picture they put up is just one of the many things you can use to see what they are like now. Also, for those like me, who are bad at names but good with faces get to instantly know who the person is, but if you have a "Simpsonized" picture it might be a little ambiguous.
Now he goes even further to say that people can post embarrassing pictures of you on there, again, that is part of the fun of Facebook. My favorite things to see are my friends in sombreros holding two margaritas with someone they have never met in the photo with them. But a picture is worth a thousand words no matter where it is. For instance I have a picture in a tiny little photo album I have, and one of the pictures is me an an affectionate embrace with a blond-haired girl. Well curiosity gets the better of almost anyone as most people who go in my apartment start thumbing through it. Now I haven't been in a long term relationship in my life, so when they get to this picture they always make a comment on it. When my mom saw it she instantly asked why I didn't ask that girl to marry me, when my platonic girl friends see it they always remark how cute she is, and when my guy friends see it they say, "Oh shit is that the girl that you... no way... it is her!" Okay well shit, now I have to shed some light on it I guess; so back in the early days of being able to buy alcohol I met a girl through a friend. The friend moved away but the girl and I would still hang out with each other. One time I decided to take her to my brother's faux-frat college house and she got a little loose-lipped after a few shots of Jack Daniels and started discussing things about our "history" that were, pretty flattering, but not 100% true admittedly. Well anyway after only a couple months she wanted me to "claim" her and since I didn't really understand that meant I kind of left her hanging. The next week I called her to hang out she started laughing and telling me about all the things I would miss for not "claiming" her. As boring as that story is, I've told it about 20 times now, and if it were on Facebook I'd probably just shoot myself after the millionth, "Whatever happened to that girl? She's cute how come you aren't with her right now, on a beach drinking pina colladas frolicking in the sand, and making love under the stars above, looking fondly on a life of promise on the horizon and relishing a whirlwind romance past?" My point is, there are a million ways to read any given photo, so what may be an innocent picture of you and a girl in the club could send mixed messages to all of your different friends, but how you want to handle it is up to you.
He also talks about how some intern said he was going to a family emergency but it was actually a Halloween party where he dressed up like a fairy godmother or something. That is his own fault, you can't blame Facebook for that. Firstly, if you do shady shit like that you probably shouldn't have your boss on your friend list. Secondly, I would also like to know why an intern has to use a bogus excuse on Halloween night anyway, you can't possibly have so much to do from 10pm-2am on Halloween to need your interns to work, that's sadistic. Thirdly, I lost my job that I worked my ass off at, 60+ hours on the slow time; I gave everything to that job and they laid me off over the phone with absolutely no reason. I fucking WISH I had got fired for doing something like this, because I would know, "damn, that's what not to do, they had me dead-to-rights and I'm not surprised at all that I got fired for that." But me, I get to lay awake at 4:33am on nights like tonight, and wonder, "why did I get fired, I fucking invited my boss to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family because his was out of town and he still fired me at the end of Thanksgiving break." I have to think, I really must not be well-liked, I actually got fired from a job I worked my ass off in because they don't like me? But if I got tagged in a picture where I'm wearing a tutu wasted I could at least say, "man, that was a good fucking party though."
This guy also talks about his inbox filled with requests and his feed loaded with people's stuff. Cry me a fucking river, I know this bag of douche may be so fucking important he can't have his inbox or whatever he has, filled with friend's requests. But me, it's good to know someone is thinking about me, my thing gets filled with Mafia Wars stuff all the time. Me, I don't really like Mafia Wars because I'm sick of getting the fuck beat out of me by 90 pound vindictive super-model looking girls (no they don't factor in weight ratios in when they decide who wins the fight, so don't even ask). But I appreciate being included, so it doesn't bother me at all. I do like the Farm one, people come and rake your leaves for you, they don't BURN DOWN YOUR CASINOS EVERY TIME YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER FOR FIVE MINUTES ARRRGGGHHHH!!! What is the point of making $2 million every half hour if I need to fix my casinos and go to the hospital all the time. Okay but I digress. But these little games, the quizzes, are all part of the fun of Facebook, if you don't want to ever have to deal with: friends who aren't really friends, posts on your news feed, Facebook stalkers, people giving you requests; then Facebook isn't for you. I will say I totally agree with him about posting on other people's statuses though, (for those of you not familiar, with the default setting you get an email any time someone posts something on the same feed as you) a couple of girls I hate to post a message on their statuses because in 5 minutes my email box is full of a bunch of people I don't know saying, "hey girl, yeah girl, I'm proud of u girl, kick that motherfucker to the curb, Love U Girl, I *heart* you gurl, nuh-uh if he said that to me I would have kicked his ass."
There are plenty of other options out there, but none of them are for me. For instance there is LinkedIn for those of you who look at your friends like business contacts. I just can't do that, I really don't care who you know and who you worked for, but I am very interested in who's boob you grabbed at that party this weekend (which I can find out on Facebook). And there is also MySpace but my fucking computer crashes when I open up some one's page and they have 5 songs going and my cursor is turning into all manner of unnatural things, and I get epilepsy from all the shit flashing on them. Then there is the epitome of my incomprehension called, "Twitter" in which you just seem to post statuses and updates every few seconds. Well, my friends who do this seem to be very active and have lots of interesting things to do, but for me, you probably don't want to know what I think about all day, it would probably look like this:
JKon: Was thinking that his neighbor's wife is a mega-hottie.
JKon: Feels guilty about thinking about his neighbor's wife because there is literally a commandment that says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
JKon: Is thinking maybe the verbiage is a little murky in the bible, what the hell is covet anyway?
JKon: What? Stop looking at me like that! It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. She's just hot that's all!
JKon: Hey look, if someone says that I am a mega-hottie, I am flattered, she should be flattered, I don't just throw mega-hottie around for anybody.
JKon: How come nobody has ever called me a mega-hottie?
JKon: Fine, you know what, fine! I'll just find something else to do.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
You should be lucky that I have inane quizzes to preoccupy me. A lot of people tell me, "Well you can add CNN on your Twitter." What the fuck do they have to say?
CNN: Is currently broadcasting on the TV.
CNN: You can see the pictures on the TV to illustrate the points we talk about.
CNN: Sir, if you will please just turn your head to the right, you will be able to see the CNN broadcast.
CNN: Failing that you can turn it on in the background and listen to it and then when something peaks your interest you can then turn your head.
And I also hear that oppressed Iranians can air their grievances on Twitter:
IranianSk8rGuy: Help, I'm being oppressed #Nationwidehollocost #Deathoffreethought I don't have much time... SAVE ME! #whatkindofgodwouldallowthis
ASUgurl82: @IranianSk8rGuy OMG that totally sux dude!
ASUgurl82: Is going tailgating! WOOOOO! GO SUN DEVILS!
I mean seriously, what the hell can you even do about that? I hate to say it but Americans like to get sad and angry at problems in other parts of the world... but usually that's kind of the end of it. We spread "awareness" which is somehow, in our mind, even better than taking action. "Living in Iran totally sucks, pass it on!" "Dude, I'm totally surprised! I'll be sure to tell all of my friends, maybe one of them will decide to hire some mercenaries and stage a guerrilla coup, and after a long hard fought war he will resend the throne to the Iranian people and come back to American mediocrity and obscurity!" Last week I had a post about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore freeing a million slaves; if you think they are hitting the mean streets of Nuevo Laredo, Nogalles, and Tijuana in some surveillance van following up leads and going under cover, YOU'VE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND! They are spreading awareness and keeping their fingers crossed. By the way, Ashton Kutcher is the first person on Twitter to reach the million follower mark (well that's what I heard anyway). I'm confounded... shit I'm vexed... yes that is the word I'll use, vexed! Whatever he could possibly be saying, I can't even fathom. All I know is that colors aren't as vivid as they were before I heard that there are a million people that want to hear what Ashton Kutcher has to say... So... Cold... So damned cold...
Now he goes even further to say that people can post embarrassing pictures of you on there, again, that is part of the fun of Facebook. My favorite things to see are my friends in sombreros holding two margaritas with someone they have never met in the photo with them. But a picture is worth a thousand words no matter where it is. For instance I have a picture in a tiny little photo album I have, and one of the pictures is me an an affectionate embrace with a blond-haired girl. Well curiosity gets the better of almost anyone as most people who go in my apartment start thumbing through it. Now I haven't been in a long term relationship in my life, so when they get to this picture they always make a comment on it. When my mom saw it she instantly asked why I didn't ask that girl to marry me, when my platonic girl friends see it they always remark how cute she is, and when my guy friends see it they say, "Oh shit is that the girl that you... no way... it is her!" Okay well shit, now I have to shed some light on it I guess; so back in the early days of being able to buy alcohol I met a girl through a friend. The friend moved away but the girl and I would still hang out with each other. One time I decided to take her to my brother's faux-frat college house and she got a little loose-lipped after a few shots of Jack Daniels and started discussing things about our "history" that were, pretty flattering, but not 100% true admittedly. Well anyway after only a couple months she wanted me to "claim" her and since I didn't really understand that meant I kind of left her hanging. The next week I called her to hang out she started laughing and telling me about all the things I would miss for not "claiming" her. As boring as that story is, I've told it about 20 times now, and if it were on Facebook I'd probably just shoot myself after the millionth, "Whatever happened to that girl? She's cute how come you aren't with her right now, on a beach drinking pina colladas frolicking in the sand, and making love under the stars above, looking fondly on a life of promise on the horizon and relishing a whirlwind romance past?" My point is, there are a million ways to read any given photo, so what may be an innocent picture of you and a girl in the club could send mixed messages to all of your different friends, but how you want to handle it is up to you.
He also talks about how some intern said he was going to a family emergency but it was actually a Halloween party where he dressed up like a fairy godmother or something. That is his own fault, you can't blame Facebook for that. Firstly, if you do shady shit like that you probably shouldn't have your boss on your friend list. Secondly, I would also like to know why an intern has to use a bogus excuse on Halloween night anyway, you can't possibly have so much to do from 10pm-2am on Halloween to need your interns to work, that's sadistic. Thirdly, I lost my job that I worked my ass off at, 60+ hours on the slow time; I gave everything to that job and they laid me off over the phone with absolutely no reason. I fucking WISH I had got fired for doing something like this, because I would know, "damn, that's what not to do, they had me dead-to-rights and I'm not surprised at all that I got fired for that." But me, I get to lay awake at 4:33am on nights like tonight, and wonder, "why did I get fired, I fucking invited my boss to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family because his was out of town and he still fired me at the end of Thanksgiving break." I have to think, I really must not be well-liked, I actually got fired from a job I worked my ass off in because they don't like me? But if I got tagged in a picture where I'm wearing a tutu wasted I could at least say, "man, that was a good fucking party though."
This guy also talks about his inbox filled with requests and his feed loaded with people's stuff. Cry me a fucking river, I know this bag of douche may be so fucking important he can't have his inbox or whatever he has, filled with friend's requests. But me, it's good to know someone is thinking about me, my thing gets filled with Mafia Wars stuff all the time. Me, I don't really like Mafia Wars because I'm sick of getting the fuck beat out of me by 90 pound vindictive super-model looking girls (no they don't factor in weight ratios in when they decide who wins the fight, so don't even ask). But I appreciate being included, so it doesn't bother me at all. I do like the Farm one, people come and rake your leaves for you, they don't BURN DOWN YOUR CASINOS EVERY TIME YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER FOR FIVE MINUTES ARRRGGGHHHH!!! What is the point of making $2 million every half hour if I need to fix my casinos and go to the hospital all the time. Okay but I digress. But these little games, the quizzes, are all part of the fun of Facebook, if you don't want to ever have to deal with: friends who aren't really friends, posts on your news feed, Facebook stalkers, people giving you requests; then Facebook isn't for you. I will say I totally agree with him about posting on other people's statuses though, (for those of you not familiar, with the default setting you get an email any time someone posts something on the same feed as you) a couple of girls I hate to post a message on their statuses because in 5 minutes my email box is full of a bunch of people I don't know saying, "hey girl, yeah girl, I'm proud of u girl, kick that motherfucker to the curb, Love U Girl, I *heart* you gurl, nuh-uh if he said that to me I would have kicked his ass."
There are plenty of other options out there, but none of them are for me. For instance there is LinkedIn for those of you who look at your friends like business contacts. I just can't do that, I really don't care who you know and who you worked for, but I am very interested in who's boob you grabbed at that party this weekend (which I can find out on Facebook). And there is also MySpace but my fucking computer crashes when I open up some one's page and they have 5 songs going and my cursor is turning into all manner of unnatural things, and I get epilepsy from all the shit flashing on them. Then there is the epitome of my incomprehension called, "Twitter" in which you just seem to post statuses and updates every few seconds. Well, my friends who do this seem to be very active and have lots of interesting things to do, but for me, you probably don't want to know what I think about all day, it would probably look like this:
JKon: Was thinking that his neighbor's wife is a mega-hottie.
JKon: Feels guilty about thinking about his neighbor's wife because there is literally a commandment that says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
JKon: Is thinking maybe the verbiage is a little murky in the bible, what the hell is covet anyway?
JKon: What? Stop looking at me like that! It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. She's just hot that's all!
JKon: Hey look, if someone says that I am a mega-hottie, I am flattered, she should be flattered, I don't just throw mega-hottie around for anybody.
JKon: How come nobody has ever called me a mega-hottie?
JKon: Fine, you know what, fine! I'll just find something else to do.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
JKon: Is killing time waiting for Christmas to come around again.
You should be lucky that I have inane quizzes to preoccupy me. A lot of people tell me, "Well you can add CNN on your Twitter." What the fuck do they have to say?
CNN: Is currently broadcasting on the TV.
CNN: You can see the pictures on the TV to illustrate the points we talk about.
CNN: Sir, if you will please just turn your head to the right, you will be able to see the CNN broadcast.
CNN: Failing that you can turn it on in the background and listen to it and then when something peaks your interest you can then turn your head.
And I also hear that oppressed Iranians can air their grievances on Twitter:
IranianSk8rGuy: Help, I'm being oppressed #Nationwidehollocost #Deathoffreethought I don't have much time... SAVE ME! #whatkindofgodwouldallowthis
ASUgurl82: @IranianSk8rGuy OMG that totally sux dude!
ASUgurl82: Is going tailgating! WOOOOO! GO SUN DEVILS!
I mean seriously, what the hell can you even do about that? I hate to say it but Americans like to get sad and angry at problems in other parts of the world... but usually that's kind of the end of it. We spread "awareness" which is somehow, in our mind, even better than taking action. "Living in Iran totally sucks, pass it on!" "Dude, I'm totally surprised! I'll be sure to tell all of my friends, maybe one of them will decide to hire some mercenaries and stage a guerrilla coup, and after a long hard fought war he will resend the throne to the Iranian people and come back to American mediocrity and obscurity!" Last week I had a post about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore freeing a million slaves; if you think they are hitting the mean streets of Nuevo Laredo, Nogalles, and Tijuana in some surveillance van following up leads and going under cover, YOU'VE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND! They are spreading awareness and keeping their fingers crossed. By the way, Ashton Kutcher is the first person on Twitter to reach the million follower mark (well that's what I heard anyway). I'm confounded... shit I'm vexed... yes that is the word I'll use, vexed! Whatever he could possibly be saying, I can't even fathom. All I know is that colors aren't as vivid as they were before I heard that there are a million people that want to hear what Ashton Kutcher has to say... So... Cold... So damned cold...
Okay so in the spirit of being a good sport, here is my most embarassing Facebook picture,
It's all in good fun though... I'm the guy... in the background... I think... It's really hard to
tell, you know... heh...
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sometimes the Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree and It's a Bad Thing
You know what really grinds my gears? Ha, okay I did have to have one Family Guy reference in here somewhere. But what really grinds my gears are smart-ass teenagers and adolescents that think they don't need to respect their elders. Growing up, I heard it, "your generation doesn't respect their elders." Well okay, maybe we didn't help mow your lawns or help you cross the streets but, fuck me, look at kids today. I have to pick up my little brother from school (Junior High School or Middle School whatever it is) and these little shit kids run along side your car and try to make fun of you. Why do they do that? Because they know there is nothing you can do about it, "my daddy will sue you if you do anything about it." I may be a dork, but I know it isn't me because I see them doing it all over the place. Just one day I'd like to beat the fuck out of one of those kids, OH MAN specifically the ones at the movie theater that gather outside and talk shit to adults, to show them, "Yes indeed, if say something rude to or about my girlfriend when we are out on a date, I will throw the fuck down on you." I wouldn't even care about jail, just to be able to put the fear of God into these little shits would totally be worth it.
But where does this stem from? Well first off, have any of you played online video games? Well if you have, you will be able to witness unsupervised children with anonymity, and that terrifies me more than any doomsday theory out there. I hear them with their obnoxious high-pitched voices shouting out racial slurs, profanities, telling people to kill themselves in real life; where the fuck do these kids come from? And more over what the hell are these kids going to be like in 10 years, can you imagine being in a business meeting with one of these asswipes? I'll admit that adults usually aren't the greatest role models on these games but, I can handle an adult internet-toughguy but I've heard 8 and 9 year olds say things way worse than any adult I've ever played with. I know that maybe I'm being kind of unfair to the children that are pleasant to deal with, and if I ever meet one, I'll be sure to apologize formally.
But I'm not all talk, Bungie (creator of Halo 3), asked on their forums for any suggestions. I asked if they could make an adults only lobby because I play video games to unwind, not to babysit some suburban family's spoiled as shit kid while they have some wine tasting party or whatever the reason they don't show their kids any attention. Now, Bungie's customer service is made up of primarily retired comic book and sports card shop owners. You know the ones, they sell kids stuff but seem really surprised when the only people who patronize their stores are kids. They get really depressed at the way their life is going and eventually make you feel like they are doing you some kind of favor for having a shop where you can come and buy their many wares. And this right here is Bungie, they make a very good game, which I can't deny; but they really make you feel like you owe them something for them letting you buy their game. Well this douche responds to me, "That would be unfair to have separate lobbies or games for adults. Heh, and how would we even check anyway?" Figure it out bitch, it's your fucking game, I'm not paying to hear some kid screeching, "You're a fag, you suck, you got pwned, you're gay." Just a further proof that Bungie are elitist vajays; they actually made special cool looking armor called "Recon Armor"that according to their website, nobody but developers can have. That is some almost laughable shit, and then they post to say that they are sick of people asking for it, well no shit; It's flaming fucking armor, who wouldn't want that? Don't believe me scroll down to the bottom of this post http://www.bungie.net/News/content.aspx?cid=12857 . "We made an armor that's cool that nobody else can have it but me, because of everyone who picked on me in High School," fuck you Bungie.
But blaming video games is kind of a cop out, another thing that makes these kids think that the world is here to do them some kind of favor is the "entitlement parent." The entitlement parent, is the one that thinks just because they have kids, that they are somehow entitled to some kind of diplomatic immunity or some shit. Since I am unemployed, I have to pick my little brother up from school, I might have mentioned that before. But anyway, some parents just think they are above the law, that they need society to accommodate them because they are trying to support children. I remember while I was waiting one time, a lady blocks me into the parking spot with her Chevy Planet Destroyer, she says to me, "sorry, I'm just here to pick up my kids." What the fuck does she think I was there for? "Yeah, I was just hanging out, you know I could have rented a paddle boat on the lake, or maybe go to an amusement park, but I finally decided on a crowded junior high school parking lot in my 108 degree fucking sauna car." Then this other time this dickface parks so close to me while I was in my car I couldn't open the door, and he swung the tail of his car at an angle so I couldn't even drive away before him. So I am literally trapped in my car, I know it's unlikely but if I needed to get out for an emergency or even to use the bathroom I couldn't. I was so stuck that if something started on fire (okay, yeah so that is kind of a reach) but I couldn't even wedge the door open. It's one thing when the weather gets bad and all the parents get to leave early, while all the single people need to stay and work, but why the fuck do they think that I have to wait for them to be done with their errand before I can leave my car? I know procreation is a miracle and a blessing from God and whatever; but that doesn't make you more important than anyone else, I'm sorry that's just the way it goes. I also remember in class where we had a scenario where there is room for 4 people and there is 6 of us who need to get into a life raft. Well it was a no brainier that because I didn't have a family that I would get kicked out. Why is that so? Just because I am not married and don't have kids doesn't mean my life is any less important than anyone else's. In fact, maybe I want to get married and have kids, it just hasn't happened yet; so that's something in life I haven't gotten to experience yet. So point is those people are racists... no, wait actually that isn't the point, the point is that... FUCK YOU BUNGIE!
But where does this stem from? Well first off, have any of you played online video games? Well if you have, you will be able to witness unsupervised children with anonymity, and that terrifies me more than any doomsday theory out there. I hear them with their obnoxious high-pitched voices shouting out racial slurs, profanities, telling people to kill themselves in real life; where the fuck do these kids come from? And more over what the hell are these kids going to be like in 10 years, can you imagine being in a business meeting with one of these asswipes? I'll admit that adults usually aren't the greatest role models on these games but, I can handle an adult internet-toughguy but I've heard 8 and 9 year olds say things way worse than any adult I've ever played with. I know that maybe I'm being kind of unfair to the children that are pleasant to deal with, and if I ever meet one, I'll be sure to apologize formally.
But I'm not all talk, Bungie (creator of Halo 3), asked on their forums for any suggestions. I asked if they could make an adults only lobby because I play video games to unwind, not to babysit some suburban family's spoiled as shit kid while they have some wine tasting party or whatever the reason they don't show their kids any attention. Now, Bungie's customer service is made up of primarily retired comic book and sports card shop owners. You know the ones, they sell kids stuff but seem really surprised when the only people who patronize their stores are kids. They get really depressed at the way their life is going and eventually make you feel like they are doing you some kind of favor for having a shop where you can come and buy their many wares. And this right here is Bungie, they make a very good game, which I can't deny; but they really make you feel like you owe them something for them letting you buy their game. Well this douche responds to me, "That would be unfair to have separate lobbies or games for adults. Heh, and how would we even check anyway?" Figure it out bitch, it's your fucking game, I'm not paying to hear some kid screeching, "You're a fag, you suck, you got pwned, you're gay." Just a further proof that Bungie are elitist vajays; they actually made special cool looking armor called "Recon Armor"that according to their website, nobody but developers can have. That is some almost laughable shit, and then they post to say that they are sick of people asking for it, well no shit; It's flaming fucking armor, who wouldn't want that? Don't believe me scroll down to the bottom of this post http://www.bungie.net/News/content.aspx?cid=12857 . "We made an armor that's cool that nobody else can have it but me, because of everyone who picked on me in High School," fuck you Bungie.
But blaming video games is kind of a cop out, another thing that makes these kids think that the world is here to do them some kind of favor is the "entitlement parent." The entitlement parent, is the one that thinks just because they have kids, that they are somehow entitled to some kind of diplomatic immunity or some shit. Since I am unemployed, I have to pick my little brother up from school, I might have mentioned that before. But anyway, some parents just think they are above the law, that they need society to accommodate them because they are trying to support children. I remember while I was waiting one time, a lady blocks me into the parking spot with her Chevy Planet Destroyer, she says to me, "sorry, I'm just here to pick up my kids." What the fuck does she think I was there for? "Yeah, I was just hanging out, you know I could have rented a paddle boat on the lake, or maybe go to an amusement park, but I finally decided on a crowded junior high school parking lot in my 108 degree fucking sauna car." Then this other time this dickface parks so close to me while I was in my car I couldn't open the door, and he swung the tail of his car at an angle so I couldn't even drive away before him. So I am literally trapped in my car, I know it's unlikely but if I needed to get out for an emergency or even to use the bathroom I couldn't. I was so stuck that if something started on fire (okay, yeah so that is kind of a reach) but I couldn't even wedge the door open. It's one thing when the weather gets bad and all the parents get to leave early, while all the single people need to stay and work, but why the fuck do they think that I have to wait for them to be done with their errand before I can leave my car? I know procreation is a miracle and a blessing from God and whatever; but that doesn't make you more important than anyone else, I'm sorry that's just the way it goes. I also remember in class where we had a scenario where there is room for 4 people and there is 6 of us who need to get into a life raft. Well it was a no brainier that because I didn't have a family that I would get kicked out. Why is that so? Just because I am not married and don't have kids doesn't mean my life is any less important than anyone else's. In fact, maybe I want to get married and have kids, it just hasn't happened yet; so that's something in life I haven't gotten to experience yet. So point is those people are racists... no, wait actually that isn't the point, the point is that... FUCK YOU BUNGIE!
Oh yeah here is that guy that blocked me in, it's a strange angle here but I couldn't get the camera out of the window as you can see in the next picture he is about two inches from my car so I had to tilt my camera to the side to even get this picture.
Friday, September 4, 2009
eHarmony Burn
Damn, okay I finally just gave in and tried the eHarmony thing. After taking over 55 minutes to complete the survey which is my least favorite one where it's "5-shades of yes or no": I like coffee; disagree/slightly disagree/don't know/slightly agree/agree. I hate that shit, you either do like coffee or you don't. Anyways after that I get like this bullshit that makes Mary Worth look like the next Sigmund Freud. I seriously feel like a shattered piece of glass right now. And this is a legitimate site too, that Orvil Redenbocker guy fucking made it, that's like Mary Poppins calling me a dumass piece of shit. Okay read it once and then read it after reading my translation, I guarantee you are going to say fuck Orvil Redenbocker after this (my translations in ** all other text is e-Harmony's).
Unable To Match You At This Time eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
**Sorry but based on legitimately happy couples none of them are like you, in fact if you get married we would re-evaluate our whole website but that shit isn't going to happen so I wouldn't hold your breath. Not to say you won't get married, but it will be like some kind of crime against nature marriage like when Woody Allen married his adopted daughter sick shit. My advice is to go into a strip club, ask the ugly stripper for a lap dance and tip her like $300.00 and if you get her pregnant she'll probably marry you. See bro, life gives you lemons, I don't know how the rest of that shit goes because I'm Orvil Redebacher muthafucka! Life gives me corn and I make popcorn with that shit.**
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
**We don't need any ugly ass muthafuckaz like you uglying up our website. Tell you what, take all the money you were going to give to me and play the lotto. You win the lotto, maybe chicks will see past that ugly ass mug of yours. HAHHAHHAHA I'm Orvil Redenbacker bitch!**
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.
**Every once in a while when you see some asshole walking down the street and you say, there is no way in hell anyone could love that poor piece of shit. For me that's like just another observation, but for you that shit is like a mirror into the future. I'm good at this shit, I mean you see me on the commercials matching people up all day, but I have a reputation to uphold. People see you on there they are going to wonder why I can't match you up to any of our over a million singles. You feel me? There are plenty of fish in the sea but in the Redenbocker sea there is only room for 80% of the fish. Just be yourself and hope for the best... Ha sorry I tried not to laugh, being yourself ain't never gonna work and that's why we can't match you, that shit is just science. Like when a popcorn kernel doesn't pop no matter how many times you microwave it.**
You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.
**This is why I'm hot and this is why you not. Hope being a lonely-ass bitch works out for you, it wouldn't work for me but we're just two different people. Peace!**
Unable To Match You At This Time eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
**Sorry but based on legitimately happy couples none of them are like you, in fact if you get married we would re-evaluate our whole website but that shit isn't going to happen so I wouldn't hold your breath. Not to say you won't get married, but it will be like some kind of crime against nature marriage like when Woody Allen married his adopted daughter sick shit. My advice is to go into a strip club, ask the ugly stripper for a lap dance and tip her like $300.00 and if you get her pregnant she'll probably marry you. See bro, life gives you lemons, I don't know how the rest of that shit goes because I'm Orvil Redebacher muthafucka! Life gives me corn and I make popcorn with that shit.**
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
**We don't need any ugly ass muthafuckaz like you uglying up our website. Tell you what, take all the money you were going to give to me and play the lotto. You win the lotto, maybe chicks will see past that ugly ass mug of yours. HAHHAHHAHA I'm Orvil Redenbacker bitch!**
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.
**Every once in a while when you see some asshole walking down the street and you say, there is no way in hell anyone could love that poor piece of shit. For me that's like just another observation, but for you that shit is like a mirror into the future. I'm good at this shit, I mean you see me on the commercials matching people up all day, but I have a reputation to uphold. People see you on there they are going to wonder why I can't match you up to any of our over a million singles. You feel me? There are plenty of fish in the sea but in the Redenbocker sea there is only room for 80% of the fish. Just be yourself and hope for the best... Ha sorry I tried not to laugh, being yourself ain't never gonna work and that's why we can't match you, that shit is just science. Like when a popcorn kernel doesn't pop no matter how many times you microwave it.**
You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.
**This is why I'm hot and this is why you not. Hope being a lonely-ass bitch works out for you, it wouldn't work for me but we're just two different people. Peace!**
I Pledge Not to be Nauseated by This Video in the First 30...15...10...7 Seconds!
Here is the link to the "I Pledge!" video I am having problems embedding this and I'm brand new at this so if you haven't seen it please right click>open link in new window or copy and paste into another tab or come back to this, whatever; point is I appreciate you looking at my blog and I'd hate to see you navigate away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqcPA1ysSbw
Thank God, P. Ditty will turn off his lights, everything is going to be okay America! You know what they say, "Every time a multi-millionaire record producer makes an half-assed promise to do something that most people just do anyway; an angel gets it's wings!"
Now, I'm pretty late to comment on this so many people have already pointed out that the president serves us not the other way around, the fact that if this was about any other president people would say it's sickening propaganda, and the fact that 'why couldn't you pledge civil service before.' All of these things are very good points so I don't want to beat a dead horse but I just want to say I especially agree with the last point. Where the fuck were these people last year? George W. Bush wasn't the most well-liked president in history, sure; but that doesn't mean that we don't need to do our parts just the same. These guys are just like those football players like Brandon Marshall that sound like a butt-hurt Droopy Dog and say, "*sniff* *sniff* I don't like my coach and so I'm going to be bad until I get traded and then I'll be good again and they'll be sorry." Well shit doesn't work that way, how you do anything is how you do everything. If you don't help out unless Obama is in power, you are worthless, what if Obama isn't the fucking superhero these Hollywood guys make him out to be? Well then fuck, looks like P. Ditty will be turning his lights on again, and nobody wants that.
Okay so let's say that this video wasn't about politics and it was just some organization where they made up some acronym for P.L.E.D.G.E. or something, this video would be very pleasant. In fact the first few minutes are pretty... well nauseating... but has a good message. But then I am like, "Did that fucker just kiss his biceps and call them Barack Obama?" and then all of a sudden I'm on a very strange taxi ride and I say, "hey this is where you stop, hey you need to stop here, this is where I want to be, please... just stop... uh oh where is this thing going?" and then I'm in a very strange place. Now I consider myself to be a moderate, I can't really commit to a two party system, on the other side I can't expect that I get the a la carte system of my choice, but I don't think I need to support a party that does one thing I agree with and two things I don't. That being said, I am one of those votes that just lingers out there waiting for someone to speak to me. Do you know who doesn't speak to me? The "I-Want-Obama-Inside-Me" liberals that I thought would go away when the election was over. I wish for a simpler time when we didn't worship our presidents before they were even sworn in. I applaud Americans on both parties who have the dignity to think about positive and negative implications of the actions of their parties. I have no respect for anyone who gave Obama praise before he even took office, according to Ashton Kutcher they played this for Obama at his inauguration... seriously? What was that quote about the president being the loneliest person... or whatever... sorry, I was too busy gagging when I saw that so I didn't get a great look at it. Explain to me why before his first day in office it was the loneliest job?
Alright well enough about politics, but here is another thing, I thought we got rid of the "listening to celebrities about politics" phase we went through for a while. I would love to know why Ashton Kutcher thinks he is the person who needs to tell people what to do. Didn't you used to be a fucking underwear model? I do know for sure that you played a bafoon on T.V. and then hosted a different T.V. show and proved to everyone that you were the exact same person in real life as you were on That 70's Show. It's called opportunity cost, you make money being a lovable idiot and you had a great time pranking Cierra and Kanye West; but after you do that, you can't expect educated people to take you seriously. For instance: I had a friend who worked at a cell phone kiosk (you know the ones that see you talking on your phone and ask what kind of phone it is and try to offer you a new one); well he got free phones, good money, got to goof off all day. But when he wanted to hang out with me and some of his other friends, we'd have to say, "Dude, I'm sorry but you are a fucking cell phone kiosk guy, you bug the crap out of people, we can't hang out with you in any part of this town." Sad but true, it's for this same reason that people don't take Green Day seriously when they try to wax political; you guys have two songs about masturbating, you can't seriously be expecting a Nobel Peace Prize nomination soon.
It's a sick catch-22, and believe me I can sympathize, that you are just movie actors and you don't want to be bugged on the streets, but at the same time you have access to the press and they are always willing hear what you have to say, if you want to say anything. So I can sympathize but it's a real Pandora's Box when you try to have your cake and eat it too. Benefit of the doubt, I get a phone call from Demi Moore about a pledge video, I say, "sure, I would like to make a video about my pledges to encourage civic responsibility." I do my pledge and they roll out the video and I see that I'm on right after the bicep guy and then I call up Demi again, "hey Demi, I know I don't have any creative control over this but, I was thinking maybe not being right after the bicep guy... maybe I could be after Michael Strahan... or anybody else besides the bicep guy?" And then I call up Harpo and ask to talk to Oprah, but you can never talk to Oprah, so I get the run around and they tell you that they are done editing it and they already sent it to the party headquarters. And now I am lumped in with Ashton, Demi, and the bicep guy, when I only wanted to plug my charity. So I am not holding any of this specifically against the celebrities in this, but some of you have to know you painted a huge target on yourselves.
Correct me if I'm wrong (that's a figure of speech, I really don't want you to correct me), I thought I saw Dakota Fanning in there, I think it's kind of strange to exploit her, I don't know how old she is but I'm pretty sure she couldn't vote in this election and can't re-elect Obama next election. It's a shame that they would make a beautiful young girl like that drink the Kool-Aid with the rest of those nut jobs. And Jamie Presley? Maybe your pledge should have been not to urinate in public... on a crowded street... during the day... Well I mean, I thought, for a chick, that was cool but once again, I'm never going to ask, "What does Jamie Presley think about the current events today?" Okay and bringing awareness to mental disease? Who the fuck is not aware that there is mental disease out there? And for that matter who are these celebrities to say they are going to "help" solve Alzheimer's and autism? Are you going to get an advanced neurology degree and do the lab work and get this shit done? No way, you are going to do a few commercials about it and put your face on the problem so if we do find a cure, everyone can say, "good for you, you really did a great job curing autism!" When I doubt any of these scientists pulling 20 hour days, not sleeping, not eating right because they just stumbled on a breakthrough, even get to meet those celebrities.
My ultimate WTF has to go with the slavery part... I'm sorry, fucking slavery? Not only to abolish slavery but one million slaves freed in 5 years? I doubt 1 in 300 Americans is a slave, so are we supposed to get slaves so we can free them? And it's actually kind of weird that they would even say something like that, I mean Ashton... do you have slaves? Do you know somebody who has slaves? If a kid in your class says, "I wish daddies would stop hitting mommies" you kind of have to think that's a strange hypothetical scenario and might hit close to home... and maybe that's why they brought it up. Because that's been illegal for quite a while now, in fact you really don't have to pledge it, you can (and should) report that to the police. It's pretty common knowledge that it's unethical, immoral, and illegal; saying it should be done away with in 5 years brings up some warning flags. I heard a few people say, "no dumbass, they are talking about in other countries." Well we sure hit one out of the park every time we decide to enforce our laws in other countries. And we can always count on Hollywood celebrities to have our back when we invade other countries. I'll just go to Myanmar and say, hey Ashton and Demi said these slaves have to be free. I'm sure they will understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqcPA1ysSbw
Thank God, P. Ditty will turn off his lights, everything is going to be okay America! You know what they say, "Every time a multi-millionaire record producer makes an half-assed promise to do something that most people just do anyway; an angel gets it's wings!"
Now, I'm pretty late to comment on this so many people have already pointed out that the president serves us not the other way around, the fact that if this was about any other president people would say it's sickening propaganda, and the fact that 'why couldn't you pledge civil service before.' All of these things are very good points so I don't want to beat a dead horse but I just want to say I especially agree with the last point. Where the fuck were these people last year? George W. Bush wasn't the most well-liked president in history, sure; but that doesn't mean that we don't need to do our parts just the same. These guys are just like those football players like Brandon Marshall that sound like a butt-hurt Droopy Dog and say, "*sniff* *sniff* I don't like my coach and so I'm going to be bad until I get traded and then I'll be good again and they'll be sorry." Well shit doesn't work that way, how you do anything is how you do everything. If you don't help out unless Obama is in power, you are worthless, what if Obama isn't the fucking superhero these Hollywood guys make him out to be? Well then fuck, looks like P. Ditty will be turning his lights on again, and nobody wants that.
Okay so let's say that this video wasn't about politics and it was just some organization where they made up some acronym for P.L.E.D.G.E. or something, this video would be very pleasant. In fact the first few minutes are pretty... well nauseating... but has a good message. But then I am like, "Did that fucker just kiss his biceps and call them Barack Obama?" and then all of a sudden I'm on a very strange taxi ride and I say, "hey this is where you stop, hey you need to stop here, this is where I want to be, please... just stop... uh oh where is this thing going?" and then I'm in a very strange place. Now I consider myself to be a moderate, I can't really commit to a two party system, on the other side I can't expect that I get the a la carte system of my choice, but I don't think I need to support a party that does one thing I agree with and two things I don't. That being said, I am one of those votes that just lingers out there waiting for someone to speak to me. Do you know who doesn't speak to me? The "I-Want-Obama-Inside-Me" liberals that I thought would go away when the election was over. I wish for a simpler time when we didn't worship our presidents before they were even sworn in. I applaud Americans on both parties who have the dignity to think about positive and negative implications of the actions of their parties. I have no respect for anyone who gave Obama praise before he even took office, according to Ashton Kutcher they played this for Obama at his inauguration... seriously? What was that quote about the president being the loneliest person... or whatever... sorry, I was too busy gagging when I saw that so I didn't get a great look at it. Explain to me why before his first day in office it was the loneliest job?
Alright well enough about politics, but here is another thing, I thought we got rid of the "listening to celebrities about politics" phase we went through for a while. I would love to know why Ashton Kutcher thinks he is the person who needs to tell people what to do. Didn't you used to be a fucking underwear model? I do know for sure that you played a bafoon on T.V. and then hosted a different T.V. show and proved to everyone that you were the exact same person in real life as you were on That 70's Show. It's called opportunity cost, you make money being a lovable idiot and you had a great time pranking Cierra and Kanye West; but after you do that, you can't expect educated people to take you seriously. For instance: I had a friend who worked at a cell phone kiosk (you know the ones that see you talking on your phone and ask what kind of phone it is and try to offer you a new one); well he got free phones, good money, got to goof off all day. But when he wanted to hang out with me and some of his other friends, we'd have to say, "Dude, I'm sorry but you are a fucking cell phone kiosk guy, you bug the crap out of people, we can't hang out with you in any part of this town." Sad but true, it's for this same reason that people don't take Green Day seriously when they try to wax political; you guys have two songs about masturbating, you can't seriously be expecting a Nobel Peace Prize nomination soon.
It's a sick catch-22, and believe me I can sympathize, that you are just movie actors and you don't want to be bugged on the streets, but at the same time you have access to the press and they are always willing hear what you have to say, if you want to say anything. So I can sympathize but it's a real Pandora's Box when you try to have your cake and eat it too. Benefit of the doubt, I get a phone call from Demi Moore about a pledge video, I say, "sure, I would like to make a video about my pledges to encourage civic responsibility." I do my pledge and they roll out the video and I see that I'm on right after the bicep guy and then I call up Demi again, "hey Demi, I know I don't have any creative control over this but, I was thinking maybe not being right after the bicep guy... maybe I could be after Michael Strahan... or anybody else besides the bicep guy?" And then I call up Harpo and ask to talk to Oprah, but you can never talk to Oprah, so I get the run around and they tell you that they are done editing it and they already sent it to the party headquarters. And now I am lumped in with Ashton, Demi, and the bicep guy, when I only wanted to plug my charity. So I am not holding any of this specifically against the celebrities in this, but some of you have to know you painted a huge target on yourselves.
Correct me if I'm wrong (that's a figure of speech, I really don't want you to correct me), I thought I saw Dakota Fanning in there, I think it's kind of strange to exploit her, I don't know how old she is but I'm pretty sure she couldn't vote in this election and can't re-elect Obama next election. It's a shame that they would make a beautiful young girl like that drink the Kool-Aid with the rest of those nut jobs. And Jamie Presley? Maybe your pledge should have been not to urinate in public... on a crowded street... during the day... Well I mean, I thought, for a chick, that was cool but once again, I'm never going to ask, "What does Jamie Presley think about the current events today?" Okay and bringing awareness to mental disease? Who the fuck is not aware that there is mental disease out there? And for that matter who are these celebrities to say they are going to "help" solve Alzheimer's and autism? Are you going to get an advanced neurology degree and do the lab work and get this shit done? No way, you are going to do a few commercials about it and put your face on the problem so if we do find a cure, everyone can say, "good for you, you really did a great job curing autism!" When I doubt any of these scientists pulling 20 hour days, not sleeping, not eating right because they just stumbled on a breakthrough, even get to meet those celebrities.
My ultimate WTF has to go with the slavery part... I'm sorry, fucking slavery? Not only to abolish slavery but one million slaves freed in 5 years? I doubt 1 in 300 Americans is a slave, so are we supposed to get slaves so we can free them? And it's actually kind of weird that they would even say something like that, I mean Ashton... do you have slaves? Do you know somebody who has slaves? If a kid in your class says, "I wish daddies would stop hitting mommies" you kind of have to think that's a strange hypothetical scenario and might hit close to home... and maybe that's why they brought it up. Because that's been illegal for quite a while now, in fact you really don't have to pledge it, you can (and should) report that to the police. It's pretty common knowledge that it's unethical, immoral, and illegal; saying it should be done away with in 5 years brings up some warning flags. I heard a few people say, "no dumbass, they are talking about in other countries." Well we sure hit one out of the park every time we decide to enforce our laws in other countries. And we can always count on Hollywood celebrities to have our back when we invade other countries. I'll just go to Myanmar and say, hey Ashton and Demi said these slaves have to be free. I'm sure they will understand.
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