The Amazon Kindling

Okay so I had this posted up, but then I took it down because I found out my college has rules against "self plagiarism" so ergo I could have gotten in trouble if I posted this somewhere before I turned the paper in. So I waited almost a month and here it is back again. I am particularly proud of this because the teacher let the Dean of Students at the University read it because he was considering buying the Amazon Kindle. I was very proud of this even before, but after I was told that I was ecstatic. Do also note that this has been run through turnitin.com an anti-plagiarism site, so be smart and don't plagiarize this; cite it if you want to get something out of this. So without further ado, my Emerging Technologies report from last semester.

Introduction

Since I can’t seem to shake the hype, created by Amazon’s flagship eBook reader, I’ve decided to do my report on an emerging technology that should be much better. The Amazon Kindling… I’m sorry the Amazon Kindle, has set the wireless eBook market back so far, it could be years before we have a product that does for books what the iPod did for music. As the holiday season approaches, I want to not only urge, but plead that people forgo buying the Kindle at this time. I’m not some anti-Amazon critic, nor am I a supporter of one of its competitors like Sony. Many people will be offended though, and what I’m saying will almost be heresy to Kindle owners, but I say, “Nay, this is not heresy; it is my love of the written word that be the muse to inspire these slanderous words.” So I implore you to take this report with a grain of salt, but please do listen what I have to say. As savvy consumers, it is our duty to help dictate the free market. We must demand better or we will never get it. It kind of reminds me of a fable I heard about an emperor who commissioned a tailor to make him a vibrant colorful garment, but when he got it he couldn’t see it and the tailor said, “Fools will not be able to see the garment” so everyone pretended like they did see it. I don’t remember exactly how it goes but when I get an eBook reader that costs less than most computers, I will be sure to buy it and read it to you all.

Price Tag

The price of Amazon Kindle’s second iteration has only recently dropped below $300 (to $259) despite being on the market since 2007 where it debuted at $399 (Metz, 2009). Keep in mind that you are not paying for books or unlimited book rentals; that is simply the device that allows you to buy and view Amazon’s books. But this is actually the more affordable option; the Kindle also has a DX model that is still closing in on $500 with a tag of $489 (Amazon.com, 2009). Straining to see exactly what made this more expensive, I noticed it has a bigger screen, more storage space (which is still only 4GB, 3.3GB available for downloads, 2GB more than the $259 one), “Rotating Display,” and supports PDF natively instead of after conversion… There isn’t $200 worth of content in those features; of course there really isn’t $259 worth of content in the Kindle to begin with. So why do these devices have such lofty price tags? Well, it isn’t because it costs that much to make them, it’s because it was trying to compete with the iPods. Apple commands high prices as it is, but it is much more understandable given the versatility, support, and overall design of the product. Simply walking in to the Apple store, the clerk was able to get 5 audible “wows” from me showing the features of the iPod touch. Not only that, but if you have a question about your iPod or iPhone you can log into a chat room with an Apple representative to get it resolved. The Kindle got 1 audible wow from me, due to the crisp high resolution on the print. So in no way do I find this product even comparable with the iPhone or iPod touch. Here is a fun fact; I paid less for my car than the debut price of every generation of the Kindle. And it’s not a piece of junk either; since I bought it I’ve put 100,000 miles on it. Just something to think about before you empty out your wallets at Amazon. It’s not just me being cheap either, a much smarter woman than I (a Forrester analyst named Sarah Rotman Epps), suggests its price should be around $99 (Metz, 2009). Believe me, if that were the case it would be a completely different presentation that you are hearing right now.

Kindle’s Effect on eBooks

So why should I care about what other people spend their money on? Well, what you do spend your money on directly affects me, if you keep buying $500 pieces of plastic then I will have to pay $500 to get that same piece of plastic. I really like the idea and I want one but I can’t afford to pay these prices because I’m not a wealthy oil tycoon. Why not just wait for another company to come out with the same thing? Because even competitors like Sony that are throwing themselves into the ring, realize that if the price is already so high, they can keep their costs high and still undercut the Kindle. It’s like how the judicial system works, how the judge rules in a unique case sets a “precedent” in which future similar cases can be sited for judgment in the same way. The same thing here, if a company arbitrarily sets its price too high but successfully sells it at that price then the competitors see they can charge that price and still turn a profit. One of the main reasons that, I believe, competitors are timid to enter the fray, is that Amazon has such a huge library at their disposal, it would be hard to compete with them, at least for a while. It is a shame that they were so greedy with their great potential. I could wait for Amazon to get their act together but it just seems unlikely that will happen. They don’t seem to fix, or care, what criticisms they get as we can see with the progressions through Kindle’s generations. I remember looking through their forums to try to understand why they made the already pretty cumbersome Kindle bigger for the DX model. I remember one snarky poster said that people were idiots for not realizing it was for people who like to read newspapers on their Kindles, before presumably returning to his $500 newspaper. But it is really strange to me that unlike all other electronics, the Kindles get bigger, heavier, and more expensive with every generation. Which leads me to speculate that the lead engineer for the Kindle is none other than… Bizarro Superman.

Substandard Engineering

I was reading a tech blog by a man named Robert Scoble and he brings up an interesting point, “UI sucks. Menus? Did they hire some out-of-work Microsoft employees?” (Scoble, 2007). For those of you unfamiliar, UI is user interface, the industry standard for most post-2007 devices like this should be a touch-screen especially at an upper-end price point. Scoble make another good point, the ergonomics of it lead people to grab it right where the page flip screen is. In fact there really aren’t many good places to hold it, the thing about books is that you have to hold them for hours, if there is no good way to do that, you might as well just have a paperback. There is also no back light for the screen, probably to conserve battery power, but that limits the usability of the device. If you can only read it where you have direct light, how is it any better than any printed book? The display is not in color, though I don’t really see that it needs to be, but they should take that into pricing considerations. It also uses a very cheap plastic casing, kind of like what you’d find on a very cheap children’s toy. And the warranty is bogus, it says 2-year but it’s really just an extension onto the 1-year manufacturer warranty. It covers only one claim for accidental drop or damage and doesn’t cover the replacement of the battery (leaving me to wonder what else could really happen to it). And as for firmware and software, you aren’t able to do anything unless Amazon says you can. Whereas if I want to get Tetris for my iPhone I can go on iTunes and pay $5 or whatever and get it. If I want a game that my friend made for the iPhone, I can get that too; if I’m savvy enough I can make a program for myself and even sell it on iTunes. For the Kindle, you can only have what Amazon says you can, there aren’t any programs or even expansion slots for 3rd party developers. But with the vast number of file formats it supports… it will definitely spurn the sales of Windows ’95. Take that Windows ’95!

Bezos the Businessman

I realize it’s not the prudent thing to do, calling the founder of the internet giant Amazon.com a bad business man, but really he’s not as good as most people say he is. Firstly he got into hot water when he engineered what would be called a “bricks-and-clicks partnership (a brick and mortar coupling with an online store)” (Wolk, 2006) with the toy store Toys “R” Us. In the agreement Toys “R” Us would use Amazon as the, “exclusive online retail outlet for Toys “R” Us toys, games and baby products” (Wolk, 2006). In the lawsuit Toys “R” Us thought that according to the agreement the reverse was true, that Amazon couldn’t sign on competitors like Target or zShops that sold the toys that Toys “R” Us sold, but they did anyway. The lawsuit ruled in favor of Toys “R” Us and people say it was better for Amazon because they could make more money hiring competing stores, but that’s not really the problem. The problem is that if you sign a contract that says you won’t take on other toy stores and you do it anyway, that’s just unethical. You may ask, “So what? He doesn’t like to honor contracts, what’s the big deal?” The big deal is that he has already done something like this with the Kindle. Amazon went on to people’s Kindles and removed people’s copies of George Orwell’s 1984 (among others) presumably in case for some reason they needed to remove the definition of irony from people’s dictionaries. Amazon’s communications director Drew Herdener said, “These books were added to our catalog using our self-service platform by a third-party who did not have the rights to the books. When we were notified of this by the rights holder, we removed the illegal copies from our systems and from customers' devices, and refunded customers,” (Megna, 2009). In case you were wondering, this goes against the Kindle’s Terms of Service: “Upon your payment of the applicable fees set by Amazon, Amazon grants you the non-exclusive right to keep a permanent copy of the applicable Digital Content and to view, use, and display such Digital Content an unlimited number of times, solely on the Device or as authorized by Amazon as part of the Service and solely for your personal, non-commercial use. Digital Content will be deemed licensed to you by Amazon under this Agreement unless otherwise expressly provided by Amazon” (Fisher, 2009). But apart from being a blatant breach of the Terms of Service, this raises a whole bunch of questions. Firstly it doesn’t seem that the books are really yours, it seems like you are just renting them if they can take them away whenever they want. Or who is to say they don’t spy on your book purchases and turn them over to “Big Brother?” It’s something to consider when they don’t follow their contracts, or even their own rules that they made themselves.

Another thing that Bezos hasn’t quite figured out is “Razor Marketing” it’s what nearly every electronic media provider does to offset the costs of their devices. Cell phones, iPods, X-Box, Playstation, even your color printers all use this. The idea is, you give the main device away at a lower price than what it costs to make it, and you make the profit up on the backend with the add-ons. It’s called Razor Marketing because there were manufacturers of men’s shaving razors that realized it was a better idea to give the hand razor away for free, and make the money up when they buy the replacement blades. Your printer costs way more to make then you bought it for, but you buy the printer cartridges at a higher price and the company makes money; X-Box 360 and Playstation 3’s lose several hundreds of dollars on every machine they make, but when you buy the games at $60 a piece they eventually will turn a profit. Just think if 3 million people were able to afford a Kindle at $100 a pop and increased the cost of their books from $9.99 to $14.99; I think they would even make more money. They are the ideal candidate for Razor marketing, they have access to a monstrous library, eBooks don’t require printing, paper, bindings, or even shipping; you only have to encode them, which can’t be too hard because some 3rd party publishers are doing it for free. You just pay the authors and publishers their fee (they probably are already selling their print books on Amazon anyway) and the rest is profit! Even though I’m panning the Kindle, this is far and away the most successful Amazon flagship endeavor to date. They at one time had their own MP3 player and purchasing service like iTunes; also they had a streaming video player with a company called “Roku.” The fate of these products was that they were too expensive on the front end, for their performance, and so they weren’t successful. You may not have even heard of these products because they effectively get buried like a dead goldfish; soon they stop adding content, then they cut back on the support, and then eventually you are left holding the bag with the device that time forgot. In 2 or 3 years when some other company creates an industry standard eBook reader, will Bezos remember you dropped $500 on his overhyped piece of plastic, or will he be trying to sell books in his competitor’s format?

Kindle’s Good Points

I have been really hard on the Kindle, but it has some really good points. One of the things I really like is that you have 3G coverage for free, so no contracts no matter how long you stay connected. Although, there isn’t much besides shop for books that you can do with Kindle, it’s still a monthly hassle I think we can all do without. I heard you can get to Wikipedia and Google, but I’m pretty sure at this day and age even my coffee maker can get to Wikipedia and Google. As I said before when I first saw the Kindle I said, “wow” when I saw the extremely crisp 167 ppi (pixels per inch), honestly you don’t even have to be a techie to be impressed with that, you can see how crisp and clear it is at a glance. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a portable microfiche display. Another feature is that all books on the NY Times bestseller list are $9.99; but the high priced ones seem to be around $30 so with a savings of $20 you would still need to purchase 10-25 eBooks to offset the cost of the device. I don’t know many people who would be able to do this within the shelf life of the Kindle. Another feature I really like is the “Read-to-Me” feature so that you can listen to it like a book tape when you’re in the car and then when you get out you can start reading again from the same point that the device left off. I, unfortunately, was not able to see this feature in action, so I don’t know if it’s a human voice or a computer voice (I would be really bummed if it’s a computer voice). Another great feature is the annotation feature, which I’ve heard is the best; I again was not able to do this on some other person’s Kindle for obvious reasons. But I did hear that when they spirit your copy of 1984 away they leave your annotations in a folder, out of context like a pile of post-it notes that fell off your file cabinets. Can you imagine highlighting and putting notes from the text book for this class and then without warning, poof, they are all gone? In conclusion, while the Kindle is an interesting gadget, it’s nowhere near where it should be. And if we continue to buy it, Amazon will not ever see the need to lower the price or fix nagging problems. Amazon knows online stores, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they know how to make electronics. Any questions?


Bibliography
Amazon.com. (2009). Kindle DX Wireless Reading Device (9.7" Display, U.S. Wireless, Latest Generation). Retrieved November 10, 2009, from Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Kindle-Wireless-Reading-Display-Generation/dp/B0015TCML0/ref=kinww_ddp
Fisher, K. (2009, July 17). Why Amazon went Big Brother on some Kindle e-books. Retrieved November 14, 2009, from Ars Technica: http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/07/amazon-sold-pirated-books-raided-some-kindles.ars
Megna, M. (2009, July 20). Amazon's Irony: Orwellian Recall of Kindle Books. Retrieved November 11, 2009, from internetnews.com: http://www.internetnews.com/security/article.php/3830861/Amazons+Irony+Orwellian+Recall+of+Kindle+Books.htm
Metz, R. (2009, October 7). Amazon cuts Kindle price, adds global version. Retrieved November 10, 2009, from MSNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33208339/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets
Scoble, R. (2007, November 25). Dear Jeff Bezos (one-week Kindle review). Retrieved November 11, 2009, from Scobleizer: http://scobleizer.com/2007/11/25/dear-jeff-bezos-one-week-kindle-review/
Wolk, M. (2006, March 2). Toys 'R' Us wins suit against Amazon.com. Retrieved November 11, 2009, from MSNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11641703/

What Gaming Console Should I Buy My Kid?

Even though there aren't any new systems coming out this year, I still have heard of people thinking of which gaming console they should buy. I'm pretty well versed in all of the different systems and have owned all of them at one point or another. So since a couple people asked here is my unbiased recommendations as I think each person has their own opinion of what they like.

Nintendo Wii

Nintendo almost had to throw in the towel after border-line failed consoles, they actually were the ones to save gaming in the early '80s as the original Famicom (or Nintendo Entertainment System as it was called here) saved the entire video game medium from going under. But after the success of the second console release the SNES, Nintendo gradually fell out of the favor of the public as the sales of the N64 and later the Gamecube were progressively failing. This wasn't surprising as their early competitors like Sega were facing the same problems. The only thing keeping Nintendo afloat was cornering the market for handheld gaming with the Gameboy Advance. But Nintendo didn't go down without a fight, they decided to think outside of the box rather than try to battle the Sony and Microsoft mega-corporations. Interestingly enough Nintendo's name (loosely translated) is "Heaven bless the hard worker" and it seems to have done just that with the success of their latest console. I probably get asked about this more than any other sort of gaming device so I'll get down to the pros and cons and try to also dispel any myths therein.

Pros:

• You can lose wight with this thing. But leeeettt'sss not go crazy, technically you could lose weight playing charades, if you get into it and do it like Dane Cook. Point is that you will get out of it what you put in, the guy on the commercials losing weight playing it, he's playing the tennis like he's actually playing tennis. This isn't a problem, but one of the things I've noticed is that people who give them to kids/family/friends expecting them to get their exercise with it have been disappointed. You can put as much or as little effort into the game as you can with outdoor activities; also, you can buy regular controllers thus bypassing the calisthenics. So if you are specifically getting it to get a lazy vidiot off the couch, keep in mind that they have to sort of want to get their exercise this way.
• Nintendo tends to be more family friendly than some of it's competitors. Not to say you can't get adult games or that you don't need to pay attention to the game your kid is playing; but the Nintendo games are for the most part family friendly.
• A good console for the casual gamer. If you played Sega Genesis when you were a kid but haven't touched a game since, this is the console for you. You may get frustrated trying to play Halo or Call of Duty online, because let's face it, some of these guys playing video games is practically their job. But with the Wii there are many games in the library where you do what you do in real life, like tennis, baseball, etc. You don't need to dive in too deep for a good gaming experience.
• Probably one of the cheapest gaming start up costs (if you don't count the PlayStation 2 which are still in production). You get the console, a controller, a nunchuck, and one of the best games in the library Wii Sports for $200 (hey, for videogames that's a steal). But there is an asterisk...

Cons:

• The asterisk from before goes to this point; the add-ons will KILL YOU! Price wise, but maybe if you threw the Wiimote hard enough... just kidding! Seriously though, all the families you see on the commercials that all have their own Wiimotes and nunchucks... well to set up the rest of the family like that, may cost you as much as the damn system.
• Game "ports" (games developed for other systems like XBox 360 and then released on another system) are usually not available or very bad. So if you like shooting games, they either won't come out for the Wii or they will make a Wii version with major alterations. This isn't a "hardcore gamer" console. Most people who are hardcore gamers get this in addition to either the PS3 or XBox 360. This is a completely different animal for the most part.
• Limited online ability. Most games don't have the ability to chat (some can't even go online) you simply race people (or whatever) and you see their Mii (the Nintendo avatar). Some parents might see this as a pro because then there is less risk of being contacted by internet creepers. I for one mute everyone I don't know on the 360 anyway, I have yet to say, "I am glad I didn't put that guy on mute, he had such interesting things to say." Most of it is "Noob... Fag... you suck..." and that's when you have a behaved person.

Some good games to get with the Wii: Wii Sports (comes with the system), MarioKart, Wii Fit, Wii Sports Resort, and for KIDS Mario Party 8 (adults within earshot may want to play Wii Russian Roulette).

XBox 360

Microsoft's second gaming console, practically a staple in American gaming households due to it's online appeal. XBox Live is a subscription service ($60 a year or so, not too expensive) is the best online gaming option barring a gaming computer. Despite my last blog, where I criticized Halo developer Bungie, I can't deny that it is the best online shooter to date (and only available on the 360). In fact of my top 10 online games only 3 of them aren't on the 360. Plus I know dozens of people on the XBox Live but only a few here and there on other online subscriptions. And I know I'm sending sort of mixed messages about the Live subscription when I said Halo development was stingy, but the rest of XBox Live is NOT. There are online events like playing 1 vs. 100 online (it's even narrated by a person), if you have Netflix you can download movies and have them stream through the console (I recently learned that PS3 can do this too but through a 3rd party source, it would be nice if my PS3 would tell me that).

Pros:

• As I said, bar none best online gaming without a gaming computer. Even if I'm sick of the games, like I said they have all kinds of things going on all the time. Sometimes when I'm bored I just go through and grab promotional avatar things and just poke around new things on the "dashboard" (like the online boot screen).
• Most games are backward compatible with the original XBox. Plus the controllers are almost the same with the progression so no need to re-learn how to use the controller like you have with Nintento systems in the past.
• XBox has exclusive games and content on lock down (perticularly for American developers). Microsoft doesn't have a huge presence in Japan, but it's getting to be to the point that Sony doesn't have a big foothold in the US anymore. Microsoft has been beating Sony to the punch at every turn with exclusive games and exclusive downloadable content. This leads people with both consoles in the household to say, "well this game isn't even on PS3" or "I heard they are going to have a XBox only expansion pack, that's why I'm getting it on the XBox." Even before Microsoft did this I was saying, "I want to play this online and all my friends have XBox."

Cons:

• It's the little things that the XBox doesn't have out of the box; no rechargable batteries, no wireless internet.
• Peripherals are EXPENSIVE! This makes the Wii equipment look good, I dropped $100 for a wireless NIC card for this. And whereas the PS3 has a BluRay player equipped, Microsoft has a external HD DVD player that plugged in to the XBox for about the cost of another XBox. Fuck that! That was a very very bad move and I think it gave BluRay the edge.
• I did the HD Pepsi challenge on my friend's TV, PS3 still looks better. I'm not going to rattle off tech specs because they don't even use the same method to display, XBox uses a "piping" graphical engine and I forget what PS3 uses. All I can say is the proof is in the pudding, the PS3 looks better.

Some good XBox 360 games: Halo 3, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Rock Band/Guitar Hero/DJ Hero, Orange Box.

PlayStation 3

Last year there was very little reason I would have recommended the PS3, except for the fact it has a BluRay player built in, which pays for itself pretty much. But Sony has lowered the price and gotten their head in the game a little more. With emerging PS3 exclusive content finally it's starting to be an emerging contender. The library for the PS3 has also bulked up, finally, when I first got the PS3 I had only 3 games, it wasn't like I didn't want more, they just didn't have more than 3 I liked. But this is changing, PS3 may not be able to compete with XBox's online play, but as far as single player "cinematic" games; it's practically a movie that you can play. One example of these is Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, and the recently released sequel Among Theives. I remember when I reviewed it a few years ago, I said it was like a playable movie. The ads for the sequel feature a couple getting ready to watch a movie, when the boyfriend takes the camera aside and explains that his girlfriend thinks it's a movie. If online play isn't your thing and you like stories, the PS3 may be what you are looking for.

Pros:

• BluRay player built in, that pays for itself. And though they lose a lot of money, BluRay seems to have emerged victorious in the high capacity DVD market. I think that this was a great decision by Sony and the PS3 in perticular I think majorly contributed to this.
• This thing is ready to rock when you open the box. Wireless internet, charger for your controller, HDMI output. These things alone will run you a couple hundred on the 360.
• Many games are free to play online. I'm going to go ahead and put an asterix here... you see if you want to play online it's up to the company that made the game to host it, instead of Microsoft who does it themselves. This isn't a problem on popular titles like Call of Duty and Resistance: Fall of Man, but if you want to play less popular games like Team Fortress Classic 2 (part of the Orange Box bundle) you have to just kind of hope Activision wants to do the server maintenece or you can expect a lot of "lag" (latency issues).
• The $300 price point now makes the PS3 a better contender in the gaming industry.
  

Cons:

• Library and overall volume of people online are a lot smaller than XBox Live.
• Memory problems, firstly it really hogs memory, secondly you can't upgrade the memory, and thirdly games with bigger save files (the number many people quote is 8MB) bring many loading problems for ports designed for PC games especially.
• Online community things are really lacking, instead of games like 1 vs. 100 they have Playstation Home which is not quite so fun. On the plus side you can customize your avatar to look like you more than the XBox Live but overall it's sort of like the Sims and gets old pretty quick. Insult to injury, instead of being told about promotional brick-a-brak like you do on Live, PSN only likes to inform you of more stuff to buy.
• No backward compatibility at all. They seem to want you to buy a PS2 to play those games, they used to have backward compatibility but then they got rid of it... I'm sure if you are like me, you had a pretty impressive PS2 library going, sadly you can't just get rid of the PS2 and play the PS3.

Some good titles for PS3: Resistance (1 and 2), Uncharted (1 and 2), Batman Arkham Asylum (PS3 only content available), SingStar (karaoke that plays sort of like Guitar Hero).

Some Reviews on Games for the Holidays...

I haven't posted for a while, and this actually may be partly to blame for that. I've been using my free time to do finals, and then now to play VIDEO GAMES! So I was at the store cashing in some games I found while cleaning and also to get my little brother his present for Christmas when I realized I get much more credit than I actually was expecting. Since I need to be fair with the siblings, and also since I haven't gotten a game since Ghostbusters which came out in the Triassic era I believe, I decided to get two used games with my store credit. There will also be a 3rd review for a game my brother bought and I've been playing.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I would say this is a pretty sure-fire bet for a gift for an online FPS (First Person Shooter... games where you run around and shoot people) because everyone has it and plays it. But it is for this reason, you might not buy it for someone, because they might already have it. This is sort of a minorly retooled version of Modern Warfare 1 which was a huge hit filling the void that Bungie left after Soup-Naziing the next Halo installment for a few years (NO GAME FOR YOU).

**EDITORIAL ON BUNGIE: I have asterisked this out because Bungie isn't the developer of the game I'm rating, I just wanted to slam these bags of douche while I have the time. Now, Bungie almost fucking owns Microsoft by now, so why the fuck can't they get a fucking Halo game out every year? Granted their last installment Halo 3 was amazing and ground breaking. They are one of the only FPS's that let you play with up to 4 guests to one account; hell, you can make VIDEOS of ass beatings and show them to your friends. Amazing, amazing stuff... Here is where the buck stops, once they make the game they stop all of the development for it... almost. They make a new map pack by the time you are already sick of the game. You drop money sight-unseen on a pack of maps but since the shock is worn off of Halo to begin with, you will lose interest in these new maps very quickly. And then as soon as Bungie is done they toss the maps out for free like a used up hooker saying, "Who would want you now?" But look at Blizzard, they develop MMORPG's (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games... mouthful... keyboard full :P) for the PC. They are constantly in development of new dungeons and new items all the time. They only charge extra money when they do a massive expansion for the game (whole new continents to explore). But on the other hand Bungie did end up giving cool looking flaming armor to all of their loyal fans that waited outside stores all night just to get the game on it's release date (almost single-handily saving the X-Box Live online network). OH WAIT, NO THEY DIDN'T they gave it to the true unsung heroes of the gaming... themselves and said, "No you can't (have it)" to all their loyal fans.**

So there is the back story, Call of Duty took the FPS throne from Halo due to their arrogance. Call of Duty makes a game almost every year, there aren't crazy bells and whistles that Halo had, but hey it was NEW. You get sick of a game no matter how good it is after several months unless they have new stuff going all the time. And so enter CODMW2, has the shooting action online you come to expect (but also the "it's over already" 5 hour campaign I've come to expect). They have added some cool things, in addition to the 4 letter clan tag, you can now have a little logo and a banner that comes up when you shoot someone. The logos are small little pictures, some animated and some strange like little Luchador wrestlers. And the banners have all sorts of things on them like nods to gaming culture like one that says "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" and also ones that show little pot leaves and say "Blunt Trauma" and "Joint Ops" (surprisingly popular, who would have thought marijuana enthusiasts would enjoy playing videogames all day?). They don't tell you how to get them, you just see them on other people's name tag, and it tells you that you got them. There have been several times where I was like, "how the hell did I get that?" I suppose you could go on the internet but there are so many you probably wouldn't want to look at how you got all of them. Those familiar with the game will remember from the first one the upgrading system you get guns based on level and you start to unlock additions for it by killing, etc. You also have the upgrades with some cool ones like "Bling" where you can have extra accessories for your gun, so like a scope and hear sensor.

Things I liked:

• Addictive online play, and as I said, you probably know a dozen people already that have this, whether you know it or not. So playing with them is always a good time.
• Cool customizations like the little banner over your name and a little logo, and there are many funny ones so if you are like me you will change it up many times.
• Great upgrades like "Bling" and even advantages you can get with "death streaks" so if you are getting your but kicked, you can earn martyrdom or final stand to help you get back in the game.
• Almost ridiculous amounts of kill streak items, there is even a tactical nuclear strike; it's like things I thought they should have on the last one got put in there... crazy.

Things I didn't like:

• Weird server interpretation, you can see on the kill cam as you could before but the thing I hate is when I shoot the shit out of someone and I look on the kill cam and I didn't even fire, I just scream like a girl and die a humiliating death leaving the person on the other screen to think that they are some kind of Kirosawa film badass. Sometimes when I overhear people telling a story I told they will say, "this is what JKon said happened, so I don't know how much of it is true, he exaggerates sometimes." Well I'm Honest Abe compared to this game. If that isn't bad enough, you can look like a little bitch for everyone in the game if you are featured on the "Game Winning Kill" cam. I think this weird server interpretation has something to do with the next thing I didn't like.
• NO SPLIT SCREEN YET? WTF? I think the shaky server interpretation has something to do with this, I think that they use it as a way to disguise lag times. But like previously how I said the server makes up stories, well you can't make up a story and tell it to someone if one of the other witnesses is there. So I think it can't rapidly correct two different perspectives if I'm even on the right track with the conspiracy theory. I also believe it is the same for the single player because they would have to reset the enemy "aggro tables" which says who to shoot if a player is detected. I probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but I just have this theory.
• Single player is a little thin... It's an improvement but I am pretty sure they just said, "this is an online game" so no point to making it very long. If you don't play online, I'd say rent don't buy, but still worth checking out. It's just a shame, you know what I hate about playing with people online? Playing with people online.
• The victors get the spoils... always. It's probably worse than in the previous game, if you are getting your ass kicked, you're going to get your ass kicked even worse. They tried to fix it, having death streaks, care packages (that could have anything), and hardline which starts you off on a 1 kill or death streak right away so you only need to get 1 less of them to get what you need. But that doesn't help people like me who can't get even a 3 kill streak. But there is nothing quite like getting killed by a guy 10 times and then getting killed by the helicopter he just called in.

Batman: Arkham Asylum

I liked this game, in fact it sort of rekindled the old days of reading Batman comics. But when I read a little thing about how many villains it has, I was a little mislead. It looked to be over 30 but there are really only are about a little more than a half dozen you fight. There are also physical cameos by another 1/2 dozen and then a huge cast of baddies who have left their mark in some way on the asylum, for instance there is a cell that's covered in calendar pages and finding it unlocks the profile for Calendar Man. While a little disappointed that they didn't have the entire "Rogue Gallery" available to be fought, but I am okay, it would be a little silly to go fisticuffs with The Ratcatcher or something. Most of the ones that I like were there so I'm content.

Things I liked

• Instead of a waypoint system, you go into "detective mode" and track the person you are looking for.
• Additional play time fits into the story, it's not just some random Easter Egg hunt. There are also maps so you can find out which room it's in, there are several of these secrets, a couple hundred maybe?
• Main story has challenging parts but is pretty easy all in all; it has very challenging "challenges" if you want to test your Batmaning; but if you are just eager to see how the story unfolds it has just the right amount of difficulty.
• Guns really do freaking kill you! You can shrug off maybe one or two bullets but you definitely don't want to get shot so you can't really just muscle your way through parts that require stealth like you can in some games.

Things I didn't like

• Not actually being Batman puts you at a supreme disadvantage. There are almost too many gadgets and things you can do so adding another element to Batman. He must be excellent at tool belt inventory. Where as I am in a boss fight clumsily fumbling through the 8 different gadgets he has.
• For a Cloak and Dagger game, you have way too much Cloak and not nearly enough Dagger. When the purpose of the game is stealth, most games have an engine in place that measure shadows and other elements. This one is basically, if you do anything they can see you. So it's very unforgiving, also there are very limited things you can do to hide. In the gun rooms you can hop from gargoyle to gargoyle but they can still see you until by some huge feat you go fast enough that they literally can't keep up with you. Then the do nutty shit like upping the anty making the gargoyles explode if you touch them. There is even a thing called an "inverted takedown" which you can unlock. In the rare instance that someone is directly (I mean DIRECTLY) underneath you but haven't detected you, you can drop down and take them out. But they start screaming and give you away. So it's totally useless.
• They are pretty generous with add-ons but you have to meet a criteria, like preorder from Gamestop or have a PS3 and you still have to download them storing them on your console instead of them being on the disk. And they are mostly just the challenges, and you really have to be good at the game to do those. They aren't extra levels as I was led to believe.

Borderlands

I really liked this one, it's a combination of a FPS and RPG (definitions above). Some people said that this was already done in Fallout 3 but I've never played it, that one was called "Oblivion with guns" I would say that this one is Diablo with guns. This plays to my fondness for shooting games and for color-coded loot tables. It says "87 Gazillion guns" on the advertisements, some people say it's false advertisement, I say that isn't a real number so obviously a joke. What it does have, is a computer generated gun system, it names them but they have different specs, level requirements, appearances. So really limitless, after killing a named character he dropped a certain gun. Killing him again netted me a gun that was named and looked the same but had some numbers changed around (pretty much comparable either way, a flip of the coin really). They even have the ability to do class based combat (which I'm not sure if Fallout 3 had or not). Each character has 3 specs and basically with a level 50 cap, you can go down two different trees so dual specing, there is also even a "class mod" which can boost a class or give you a helping of talents from a tree you didn't even touch.

Characters:

Siren - This is I guess a rogue class, apparently there was a patch to make her more effective, but I still think she's busted (her spec not her "girl parts" as the game calls them). She can go invisible for a certain amount of time, but that's not much and even then it's basically getting the drop on one guy (not even a guaranteed kill) making soloing pretty impossible.

Soldier - This is the Paladin of this game has an amazing soloing spec called "Infantry" and also has a support class which is focused on ammo regeneration and even a healing spec. As you might expect you shoot people to heal them once you have the "cauterize" talent, you also gain health regens for the rest of the group. I haven't gone online with it, so I don't know how a heal spec works 100%.

Brick - This guy can be a tank or explosives expert. Unfortunately he lacks any great long range skills and by default you can only have 3 grenades. For soloing you probably want to be a "Berzerker" which focuses on beating enemies up with your fist... yeah still the long range problem and the fact you get SHOT when you punch people. Probably would make a really good tank online though.

Hunter - This has a spec focusing on snipers and one focusing on pistols and one focusing on a pet. The A.I. for the pet isn't close to where it needs to be. It gets hung up on walls (why even make it be able to clip walls is beyond me) it's way underpowered and it's ideally for getting guys behind cover but if they are behind cover it doesn't always see them so you are left killing it and saying, "thanks anyways." But this guy is more like the mage of the group, huge DPS but if he is getting shot at you'd be better just giving him a Nerf bat.

Things I liked:

• Combined being a nerd with being a nerd... seriously though, I like the spec and loot systems, and even the party idea (though haven't tried it out yet... need friends...).
• Huge environment... unfortunately most is literally a garbage dump, but still fun.
• Semi long story, and once you are finished you play through again with enemies that are a higher level to gear up, bueno!
• Funny sense of humor!

Things I didn't like:

• Broken or unsoloable specs, some of these are atrociously hard to solo. I'm sure in a team dynamic it goes away but some of these have such a huge cooldown on actions with such little effect, it makes me think it will be drawing straws for the Soldier/Sniper position.
• Cars are made out of paper mache. First game where I've said, this guy looks pretty hard, better get out of the car to fight him. It is nice to get a "mount" early in the game though, something RPG's could learn a lesson from.
• A little vulgar when it didn't need to be, making it unnecessarily go for an older demographic.
• Pet A.I. is hoooooooorible! Only the Hunter and Soldier even have them, but sometimes it makes me cringe!
• I don't know anyone that has it... sadness!

R.I.P. Christmas

Well great, thanks everyone you killed Christmas, the only thing I liked about the holiday season. That's right Thanksgiving sucks because no matter where I go for Thanksgiving or what I do, I get asked, "So what are you thankful for?" I hate answering that, I mean honestly, most people hate it when I say this, but I can't really pinpoint anything to be thankful for. For instance this year I am thankful for having great friends, family, and depending on the kindness of strangers. But when I say "thankful" it belies the fact that if I still had a job and didn't lose all of my money, I wouldn't need to be such a mooch. It's like getting kicked in the balls and then thanking them for showing me that my testicles are still there. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for my wonderful family and friends, even almost total strangers doing nice things for me. The point is that everything I am grateful for shines light onto a major flaw in my life, in this case that I'm a deadbeat who would starve to death without help from someone else. So be thankful that enough people like me that I don't fucking starve to death... well I guess, but it's not really appropriate when we go around the table and people are thankful for actual blessings. New Years fucking sucks too, here is 9 years of New Years parties combined into one: I go to a place with people I barely know, there are at least 2 single guys to every one girl; I say some idiotic bullshit to all the single girls and they end up hooking up with the Clay Aikeniest douchebag there and I'm stuck scraping jello-out of those little container things in a last ditch effort to get a buzz to be able to stomach everyone else there who is obnoxiously drunk or disgustingly making out on every couch in the room. Trust me, I have plllleennntttyy of reminders of how much it sucks to be a lonely, I don't even really need a holiday to remind me.

So that leaves Christmas, which I actually do like, but people are so determined to harsh my buzz on Christmas I almost don't like it anymore. Firstly it's getting so cool to be gung-ho politically correct to the point that we have holiday parties, holiday trees, holiday butt-sex, whatever. I'm not sure how much of that is hype and how much is people responding to hype. I remember a few years ago I saw the C.E.O. (who was Jewish) walking the halls and I said, "I'm looking forward to the Holiday party" and he corrected me, "Christmas party, it's a Christmas party." But then I've also seen non-christian people that just use it as an excuse to be a wet blanket when the company has a white elephant or whatever (but they sure as shit don't go back to work, oh no, they just mope around). If the lesson here is anything else, it's that Christmas is practically a secular holiday now-a-days, I mean shit, you put a nativity scene anywhere and suddenly you're Hitler. So since it's so generic and secular; why the fuck wouldn't you celebrate it?

I like Christmas, so if you got some Scrooge bullshit to say, keep it to yourself. And especially don't come at me with this:
I hate buying a bunch of gifts for people. Well I like buying gifts for people, it's a good way to show people you care. It's also nice to try to get into people's heads and try to figure out something they would like. When you try to understand your friends better, you get to know them better. Or if they drop hints, it's a great way to show you actually pay attention to what they say. Unfortunately, this year I don't even know who I'll be able to get gifts for; but in years past, I would get them for almost everyone I knew. It was just fun, and sometimes I could try to turn my friends on to something I think they would enjoy like a book or a game, etc. You can recommend something to someone all day, but if you actually buy it for them then they don't have any excuse not to try it out.
I'm sick of Christmas specials where they have some miracle, that's so unrealistic. Jeeze, why don't you just dress up like Criss Angel and cut yourself, you whiny little bitch. That's the whole problem with this society, we want some scientific explanation for everything. Nothing is magical, nothing is special, everything is explainable, nothing is sacred, we are all just less hairy apes, and when we die (good or bad) we look forward to an eternity of being in a box 6 feet underground getting pissed on by drunken frat kids. Am I the only one who thinks there has to be more to life than this? That there has to be some divine force at work, that there is some miracle waiting to happen somewhere sometime? Well you can keep bumping primate uglies all the live-long day for all I care, but I'm going to find a higher purpose someday.
I just get everyone gift cards and I'm done with it. Nothing says, "I don't like you enough to try to figure out one fucking thing out of the bazillions of things in the world to give you" like a gift card. If you really need help here is my advice:

1. If they are really interested in something, like golf, and you don't know much about it. Don't get them golfing equipment, if they are worth their salt at golf they know what they like more than you do. But you can use this information to formulate an idea of a non-equipment gift, like personalized golf tees, a book on golfing, etc.
2. Throwbacks are a good idea, if you had a good time getting high and renting Grandma's Boy maybe you could get them the video, or maybe a t-shirt with your favorite catch phrase from the movie.
3. Custom gifts (or gifts you make yourself). I doubt even Scrooge would be cold-blooded enough not to like a handmade coffee mug with signatures from the entire Crachet family on it. They have these little pottery kiosks at most malls, where you paint it and they fire it in their kiln; it's also a fun activity for the little ones if they need a distraction while one of you is shopping.
4. All else fails, if you know ANYTHING that they tried out and liked you can type it into Amazon and it will have "people who bought this also bought" beneath the product they liked.

That's just off the top of my head, I don't even know your friends.

I'm calling it a Holiday Tree, all these things are just pagan rituals anyway. True, but I have yet to find irrefutable proof that anyone before the Christians had Christmas Trees. Mistletoe, stockings, even a man delivering presents were all Druidic, Pagan, or Germanic practices that were adopted by Christianity. I've heard a lot of urban legend types of things like a Christmas Tree, but details were really sketchy and no details were offered. But nothing really predates St. Boniface who chopped down a tree and somehow converted some Germanic tribes to Christianity. It was also used as a way for early missionaries to explain the lineage of Jesse to David to Jesus, like how we have family trees today. So not everything was totally ripped off the pagans.

People are celebrating Christmas earlier and earlier each year; can't we at least wait until after Thanksgiving? I do totally agree with this, while I'd rather have two months of Christmas and no Thanksgiving, I realize that Thanksgiving does mean a lot to some people to get together with family. Just as I believe that all other celebrations are important: Hanukka, Kwanza, Chinese New Year, etc. I would rather everyone have the holiday they want instead of nobody having any holidays at all, like I fear is happening right now. And if somehow someone mistook me for being Jewish and wished me Happy Hanukka I would smile and nod, not even correcting them. It's the spirit of the season, there is an electricity in the air, but it's going away and all of the sudden this is some sort of civil rights case. It's very sad, I wish for the days when people would hold the door open for the woman with her arms full of presents, people saying "Merry Christmas" to strangers, a playful snowball fight breaking out on the 16 Street Mall.

But I still love Christmas no matter how many Scrooges, how many P.C. Douchbags, and how many whiny emo kids don't. I don't care if it's just me and Toby Keith the last two people celebrating Christmas, I still love it!

The Disney Princess Theorem

Now last time I tried to tackle religion and I got more of a bad response than I usually do, I'm not surprised, admittedly my strong suit isn't tackling serious topics. I was just a little pissed off that a few people on email, Twitter and Facebook destroy my inboxes and feeds with inflammatory anti-religion articles and statements. I just was wondering how they justify it being any different than Bible-thumping that they are so opposed to. I did terrible at it, I'm not sure who were most upset, atheists or Christians; I practically had more people saying how full of shit I was, than people actually reading it. The message was so convoluted that the valid points I made were overshadowed by the overall abrasive tone, so if anyone wants to re-read it after taking it with a grain of salt, please do. Anyway, I gave a few friends a preview of this one I'm doing now, and they were already upset before I wrote it; but I did all the research for it so, I'm doing it. I will note my friend's objections, they don't like relationship ones, people have already written about these topics, and I make it seem like people don't have minds of their own. Objections noted, but I've never written about it and like I said this one is pretty much written and I doubt less people will like this than the last one so, enjoy!

Once again this is just meant to be funny so take it with a grain of salt. Ever since high school I have always wondered why women enter obvious destructive relationships. There was that Pearl Jam song about not being able to find a better man, but I see it all the time, a perfectly good guy (usually even good looking dudes as far as I can tell, I'm really not a great judge) will try to court a girl but she throws it all away for the obvious bad catch. I guess I never really understood it before but then I was playing a video game called Kingdom Hearts II based on the Disney and Square-Enix characters (I'm a nerd, don't act surprised). But I soon realized, all of the Disney Princesses have very destructive romantic relationships. I don't fault Disney so much, and for sure there are enough people already doing that, you can even see a whole Disney section on snopes.com. It's just an observation of how we emulate stories that are meaningful to us and it forms our character and even certain preferences. I challenge you not to realize that one of these hits somewhat close to home with one of your friends.

Snow White: She seems pretty normal when compared to any other woman but the underlying mania that Snow White possesses is gullibility that rivals her beauty... that and living with 7 other dudes. To know the full tale of Snow White you must first realize that this is one of Grimm's Fairy Tales, the whole story elaborates the my point so away we go. Firstly she's not tricked once, she's tricked 3 times by the queen in beggar garb (depending on which translation you use, sometimes she is even in the same disguise). The third time she eats the poisoned apple and dies, and since she's a total hottie the dwarfs craft a glass coffin, so that they can look at her beauty, not surprisingly though they really just get sad looking at that dead body so they take it outside and take turns guarding it. After being dead for 3 days a king's son comes across the cabin and the beautifully undecomposed corpse of Snow White. Though unclear weather the prince was in the market for beautiful dead bodies or if it was just an impulse buy; he offers the dwarfs money for it and they refuse, but when he offers to be BFF x 7 with the dwarfs then they let him have it. One of the prince's servants drops the coffin dislodging a piece of the apple and Snow White isn't dead any more, the prince realized having a living chick is even better than a dead one and proposes, and Snow White was like, "whatevs" and they got married. If you think the Grimm story is weird, guess what happens to the Queen? No joke, she gets iron shoes and is forced to dance in them until she falls down dead. The Queen's DDR score was never beaten, and they all lived happily ever after!
The moral: If you're hot enough, you don't have to have common sense, hell you can even be dead and motherfuckers will still be buyin' you shit. Snow White was the first literal trophy wife, she was in a glass case for God's sake.

Cinderella: This is also a Grimm tale but I don't really need to get into it for this point. Cinderella's wicked step mother and sisters force her into a life of servitude as a scullery maid. Prince Charming sends out a nationwide booty call, Cinderella can't go and all of the sudden a fairy godmother shows up and turns pumpkins to chariots... all kinds of nutty shit. And then she's good to go, Prince Charming dances with her, knows instinctively she's the one; midnight strikes she has to run away because her chariot will turn back into a pumpkin and loses her shoe. The prince searches the countryside looking for the girl missing the shoe, finds it's Cinderella and they live happily ever after. What is so bad about that?
The moral: You don't need to stick up for yourself or sever abusive family ties; nah, just keep-on-keepin-on and then one day you'll get a free pumpkin chariot and some dude with a foot fetish will come around and "take you away from all this," all you have to do is hang in there and bury those tears deeeeeep down inside. A couple of mouse friends you can talk to won't hurt either.

Aurora: She's Sleeping Beauty if you are wondering, Malefecent gets dissed and not invited to Aurora's christening and curses her that she will touch a spindle and die when she's 16 (which one of the fairies changes to her sleeping). Why you wouldn't invite someone who does shit like that when they get snubbed, is beyond me. Maybe she's one of those people who you invite to everything and they never show up, but then the get pissed off when you don't invite them somewhere. Anyway, she meets a stranger in the woods, who turns out to be Prince Phillip. He lays the mac down and gets a date (officially this is the only thing close to a healthy relationship and the only prince with a name so far). Her aunts (the fairies) tell her she can't go on the date, she gets super bummed and asks to be left alone. She touches a spindle falls asleep and Prince Philip saves the day and kisses a girl that's sleeping. And she wakes up and they all live happily ever after.
The moral: Somebody tells you some shit you don't want to hear... just hurt yourself... make yourself bleed.... just a little bit... they will be sorry. A bonus moral, you know that one thing you aren't supposed to do... WELL JUST FUCKING DO IT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! What could possibly kick more ass than touching a needle? That kind of reminds me of this story there was one tree in the world where you weren't supposed to eat the fruit of... never mind.

Ariel: A mermaid who has everything she could ever ask for saves a drowning prince and starts hording statues of him and other doodads from the human world. Not content to live in her aquatic paradise she decides to trade her beautiful voice for legs to walk on land. Yet another prince falls superficially in love with a girl he barely knows. This is a running theme, I counted the number of words spoken by the princesses to the princes before they knew she was the one: Snow White-0 Cinderella-19 Aurora-30 Ariel-0. Not too surprising since 1/2 of the princes prefer unconsciousness in their women. Ariel somehow manages not to walk away without a smooch from prince Eric despite having a pulse. That being the condition of her contract with Ursula she is dragged down and Ariel's father Triton is forced to trade himself for her. Prince Eric nuts up and kills Ursula and they all live happily ever after.
The moral: If you see a guy you like, the best way to impress him is to make a little shrine to him in your grotto. Make sure to obsess about him all the time, to the point that forget that you live in a place where crabs play drums and fish play saxophones. Then do whatever irresponsible, reckless thing you need to do to make him yours.

Belle: With Belle we finally get to the scary stuff. I didn't really realize exactly how strange of a situation she was in until I was playing Kindgom Hearts II. There is a lot of dialogue to weed through so I'll just put the key points. So in the game you arrive in the Beast's Castle and he is super pissed off, Belle is scared shitless in the other side of the castle and his servants (the clock, teapot, candle guy, etc.) are locked in a room pissing themselves. It's hardly even a stretch to say this looks like a domestic disturbance.

Donald: Where's the Beast?
Belle: Oh, he must be in the west wing. We don't talk like we used to.
Sora: Did something happen?
Belle: Yes. Isn't that why you're here?

Interviewing both parties separately...

Beast: Xaldin... that's his name. He came from the darkness... He...used my anger to control me. He took all my sorrow, my sadness, my pain---and turned it all into rage. There was nothing I could do... I could no longer see the truth.
Goofy: Well, I'll be. That must be why you threw all of your friends down there into the dungeon. You wanted to make sure that you didn't hurt 'em, right?
Beast: Was that it? Was it to protect them?
Goofy: Sure. We know you're good inside.

It's a good idea to get your story straight before the cops get there...

Beast: I've mistreated her... I've mistreated her and been so selfish.
Sora: She didn't say anything about that.
Beast: She'd never tell anyone of my cruelty... She's too good.

Is it that... or does she know what will happen to her if she does?

Beast: Where is Belle?
Wardrobe: Why, she left in a hurry. Something about going after this...man in black.
Beast: WHAT!? Why doesn't she do as she's told?

Not a jealous man, but females lie...

Beast: Belle... I-I'm sorry---I...wasn't myself. I hope I haven't done anything to hurt you. Forgive me.
Belle: I know you weren't yourself. You don't have to apologize. But I had hoped...that you might have changed a little bit.

Uh yeah... I WISH I was taking this one out of context.

Belle: Do you have to go?
Sora: Yeah.
Goofy: Now, no more arguin', okay?

Please don't go, we can play Scrabble... or watch a movie... I'll make popcorn... please don't leave me alone.

The moral: Instead of that guy that everyone in the town (even your father) loves; you should really pick the selfish verbally and physically abusive asshole who ruined the lives of everyone he knows with a single dickheaded maneuver and even locked your father in a dungeon one time. It's pretty much a no-brainer.

Jasmine: There is no background story for this needed.
The moral: If you're a suburban princess and daddy doesn't show you enough attention, find a hardened convicted criminal to go out with. At first he may not be able to provide for you, and he may not exactly feel the need to pull himself up by his boot straps. But hey he just needs to hustle a little bit, jack some shit here and there, and perfect his rhymes a little bit and KAZZAM! Dr. Dre will come out of a magic lamp and give him a record contract. Street Rat Life!

Pocahontas: A very regal, independent, environmentally conscious, Native American woman with almost no flaws, except oh yeah she starts seeing another guy when she's engaged.
The moral: Cheating is okay, as long as they are in different river-bend codes.

Mulan: Fa Mulan goes in place of her father to war because he is much too crippled to fight. In an attempt to bring honor to her family she dresses as a man in order to fight in the army against the Huns.
The moral: Two words... penis envy. Just kidding, no the actual moral is that if you don't fit in at first, you should be ashamed. You need to dress, look and act like everyone else in order to make others accept you.

Anti-Religious Nutjobs

I used to not like when people pushed their religion on me, but now I get people trying to push atheism on me, and they are waaaaaayyy worse than any religious person I know. I know a lot of people are going to be pissed off at me for this; but I'm really all out of fucks to give. Now I am not super religious but I do believe in God, and have a spiritual side; I'm pretty much a lukewarm Catholic. But any reference I make to God anywhere at any time is met by, "Oh man, dude you believe in God? What an idiot." That may be; I may actually be proof that God doesn't exist, that Karma doesn't exist, that luck doesn't exist. But I have even less if you take away the hope from me; the hope that one day some of the good Karma will balance itself out and I will get what I deserve, that someday the last will be first and the first will be last, that someday proper planning will met an opportunity. I'm sorry if the idea of living a completely fruitless bullshit life only to die penniless and alone and become worm food isn't exactly an idea that makes me want to stand up and cheer.

Don't get me wrong, most people I know who are atheist don't need to prove shit to anyone, much like I don't have to prove my faith to any of you. I'm talking about the ones who go around trying to debunk other people's faiths; what the hell do you even get out of that? At least when someone preaches to me about their faith, their heart is in the right place and they want to save me or give me something to believe in. But it seems to me like atheists are just trying to prove that they are smarter than everyone, or get a rise out of people. Well, for that reason alone I can't be an atheist, you see I really don't give a shit how smart people think I am, my intelligence (or lack thereof) speaks for itself; and I really take no joy in raining on someone's parade, especially when it's obvious that their faith means a lot to them. But lately atheists are marching under a banner of, "Religion is bad, all wars would be over if we had no religion." Bullshit, mankind has been able to find reasons to hate each other since the dawn of recorded time. But even if that were true, that rhetoric you drone on about ain't neeeevvveerrrr going to reach the people who actually do kill people based on their religion. The only people who hear the shit you say are pleasant suburban families who say grace at the table and conduct funerals when the daughter's goldfish dies. You aren't exactly going to get a Nobel peace prize for tearing that down. So why don't you send that shit to people in Tel-Aviv or Al Queda people who really do actually kill people based on their faith every day?

Because, it is way easier to pick on church going families that haven't done anything wrong to anybody. These people, who fill up my Facebook wall with the latest, "ACLU victory over troops in Iraq trying to pray on government time" usually like to "debate" with people about their religion. These people just pick on easy targets. From an outsider perspective anyone who takes the side of science in a debate has a HUGE advantage. The burden of science is proof; the burden of religion is faith. In a debate you try to prove your point so the goal of the debate and science are the same; the goal of debates and religion are not. It's like using science to prove how much you trust someone. Not only this, but whoever initiates these impromptu debates have a supreme advantage; essentially you are just blindsiding someone who doesn't have notes or a prepared speech in front of them (and probably wasn't expecting to be debated). If they don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the bible, they will lose, because you already know what your argument is but they don't. This is why I think that Bill Maher barely winning a debate with an amusement park Jesus is so comical (in Religulous). He's used to doing debates with a panel of three or four people and the panel is always loaded to favor his own opinion; so debating 3 or 4-to-1 is such a chicken-shit douchebag move that you can't take him seriously. The other patron saint of atheism is the late George Carlin, as a one-time aspiring comedian I admire anyone who can be successful in such a difficult career, but I really don't think his comedy is amazing. The only bit I have ever laughed at was The Usage of Fuck, because Carlin is all about the shock value and there is really very little substance in his comedy. I saw a T-Shirt on tshirthell.com that said, "Rape is no laughing matter... unless of course you're raping a clown," that is basically Carlin's brand of humor, it's not a well crafted joke; it's 100% shock value that just catches you off guard. It's sort of like the first season of South Park; it was just shock value, but then in recent episodes they use great writing and I enjoy it even more than I did when I first saw it. I may believe in an invisible man in the sky; but I'm at least smart enough to realize that just because someone is snarky, cynical and irreverent doesn't necessarily mean they know what the fuck they are talking about.

One last point and it's a thing I'm so sick of; leave the 10 Commandments alone. It's not a fantastic iron-clad justice system, but the only set of laws I've heard pre-dating the 10 Commandments are Hammurabi's Code. Here is one of the laws that his code has, "If anyone brings an accusation against a man, and the accused goes to the river and leaps into the river, if he sinks in the river his accuser shall take possession of his house. But if the river proves that the accused is not guilty, and he escapes unhurt, then he who had brought the accusation shall be put to death, while he who leaped into the river shall take possession of the house that had belonged to his accuser." So for anyone that accuses the 10 Commandments of being "common sense laws" Hammurabi's Code goes to prove that in those days this would be pretty groundbreaking. The only reason why they seem like they are common sense laws, is that western culture has used these as the framework for societal norms since before Constantine. And for those that say it's for the purpose of controlling people; it sounds so sinister when you say it that way. Moses wandered around the desert with the Hebrew people for 40 YEARS; you can't tell me that you can just tell everyone to be on the honor system. I've seen people lose their minds when Blizzard shuts their servers down for a 2 hour system maintenance. Besides these laws are purely of a Kantian "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" nature. It would be like me saying, "Thou shalt not piss on the toilet seat." If I said that God told me to put that, yes a little deceitful, but am I thinking to myself, "Yes, soon every quaking knee will bend, today toilet seats, tomorrow THE WORLD"? No way, I just hate it when people do that and I don't do it, but who can really even argue that that isn't a rule that everyone should abide by anyway. But ultimately, if you think I believe there was a guy trapped in a whale, or that there were only two people at the beginning of mankind, you're crazy. George Carlin said, "I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting (the 10 Commandments) up on the courthouse wall; as long as they included one additional commandment, 'thou shall keep thy religion to thyself,'" I feel the exact same way about quasi-religions like atheism. I think that people who are way overboard sceptics are just as crazy as people who are overboard fanatics.

Obscure Horror Movies for the Aspiring Director

So I'm pretty fanatical about horror movies, and when October hits, it's horror movies and nothing but! I came across some film students who wanted to pick my brain about some horror movies to see to give some ideas. I'm awarding cool points to anyone who has seen any of these movies, you can redeem them for nothing... unless you're a chick and then I will totally make out with you, or not; whatever, it's your choice at that point.

Asian Diamonds in the Rough

Oldboy: In Saw II they mentioned a movie where a guy was locked up for 15 years in the same room, I'm pretty sure he was talking about this movie. An average guy gets drunk and wakes up inside a room where he has to stay for 15 years. Once he is released he searches for his captor and soon realizes the 15 years of imprisonment wasn't the worst part of his situation.

Uzumaki: Based on a manga (Japanese comic book) written by a dentist named Junji Ito. A small town in Japan is in the grips of madness stemming from things that are spiral shaped. This is truly one of the most unsettling movies I've ever seen, but it hardly even does the manga justice. It's also an easy read compared to many manga comic books, which read right to left, this one goes left to right so it's pretty much like any other comic book. I think the only thing creepier than a comic book written by a dentist is one made by clowns... *shutter*

Twilight Zone

There are a lot of Twilight Zones that are great my 4 favorite episodes are actually available on two DVD's Volume 2 and Volume 29.

Time Enough at Last: This was parodied on Family Guy, a man who's only dream is to be able to read all day are constantly thwarted by his wife and boss who are fed up with him shirking his responsibilities to read. This forces him to sneak into the vault of the bank he works for to read on his lunch break, during which nuclear holocaust occurs. Being the last man on earth he finally has time to read all of his books.

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet: A Twilight Zone classic, this features William Shatner before he was on Star Trek. It was remade for the Twilight Zone Movie as well as being parodied on one of The Simpson's Tree House of Horror segments. It features a man who had such an intense nervous breakdown on an airplane that it had to make a forced landing. After a long psychiatric treatment he is deemed sane enough to fly home. I would like to not spoil it, but there is a gremlin on the wing and that's the gist of it; the rest is just about Shatner craziness.

A Nice Place to Visit: A tough thug dies and is approached by an angelic person who can give him everything he ever wants; all he has to do is wish for it. He realizes that the thrill is gone when he can wish for anything he wants. He also realizes that even if he were to wish things to be by chance at any time he could just wish for things to be better again. It is a simple idea but it gets my psychological and existential gears turning. This was briefly parodied on Futurama.

A Penny for your Thoughts: I have a sneaking suspicion that Jim Carrey's Stanley Ipkiss character from The Mask is loosely based on this; but according to Carrey it was based on his father. Anyway, a guy flips a coin into a tray when purchasing a news paper and it lands on the coin's edge, suddenly can read people's minds. One of the few sort of funny Twilight Zones, starring Dick York (one of the Darrens from Bewitched).

American Movies

Sleepaway Camp: This was kind of eclipsed by more popular slasher serieses like Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th; the movie isn't the greatest, but it has a very strange twist and the very last scene actually gave me a new image for my nightmares.

European

Thriller a Cruel Picture: One of my favorite things about this movie is that the Swedish director Bo A. Vibenius made a film that had been considered a failure, so he tried to make a more commercial movie and this is what he came up with. It's basically a porno with a revenge sub-plot; oh yeah and there is a real corpse that gets it's eye cut out (according to popular legend). Tarantino used this as part of his inspiration for Kill Bill specifically a nod to the girl with an eye patch that matches her clothes... It's worth seeing if you can find it; I wouldn't watch it with your girlfriend though.

Donkey Punch: This is the first movie that I thought was weird because it was exactly what the title said it would be. I remember the chick at the Blockbuster glared at me, "Is this movie about..." "Yes... yes it is; I don't know what I was expecting" I said.

Takashi Miike

Now in order to rate the films of director Takashi Miike, I have to start by saying that these are all WAY worse than anything you will see in the United States. By worse I don't just mean violent; I'm talking disturbing, depraved, repulsive; these films are considered war crimes in some places. So be warned if you decide to watch them. I've rated them in my own rating system because these would all be NC-17 and then some if they were in the US.

Tame for Miike's Films but still way Worse than Anything You've Ever Seen

Full Metal Yakuza: This is one of Miike's earlier films, it's like the japanese version of Robocop. It's not one of the best ones by Miike, but probably one of the few you could show in a U.S. theater.

Audition: A man decides to hold an audition for the perfect wife alongside a friend who is casting for a movie, in order to not seem so melancholy in front of his teenage son. If you were curious what Misery would have been like with a hot Asian woman... and instead of having an obsession with authors she has more of an obsession with collecting people's body parts, then rent this. The worst part of this movie is that it seems totally normal for the first 3/4 of the movie... but then you are on a roller-coaster ride that you have absolutely no control over. You can find this movie at the top of nearly every website's "Most Disturbing Films" list.

You won't be able to Finish these Movies

Ichi the Killer: A Yakuza film (Japanese mafia movies that are filled with over the top violence and bizarre plots) in which a feared Yakuza muscle named Kakihara (who would make an awesome Halloween costume, but would require tons of make-up) loses his boss Anjo and scours the slums of Tokyo for any sign of him. Kakihara is a sadist and masochist, but saying he's some S&M fetish guy would reaaaalllllyyy be missing the mark. No whips, leather, and nipple clamps for this guy; his interests are more along the line of cutting his own tongue out and sticking giant needles deep in his ear. And as far as sadism, he makes Pinhead from Hellraiser look like Rip Taylor. The police send out the only person capable of killing Kakihara; Ichi, a gross perversion of a superhero who is brainwashed to the point of total warped madness, this coupled with many crippling emotional problems he makes me look like Rip Taylor. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Happiness of the Katakuris: If you've ever seen that South Park where they get the porno tape instead of The Lord of the Rings and they tell Token to watch it and he seems all pale and distant and says he doesn't want to play anymore. This is exactly what happened after seeing this movie as an adult.

You will not be able to Unsee the things you See in this Movie

Visitor Q: A typical family next door... if the mother and daughter are both prostitutes and the dad... Okay just look at the keywords for this movie, it's basically EVERYTHING you can't show in a movie in the United States:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0290329/keywords