Bargaining with God is a very Bad Idea

Life just took such a huge shit on me, that it got post-partum depression when it was done. Now I know what most people will say when I say this, "There are people who have it way worse than you." Well FUCK, looks like I'm not going to get the worst life ever award, darn. I don't know why these "Positive Nancys" do that shit; if California got hit by a big earthquake I'm not going to say, "Yeah that sucks dude, but I think Hurricane Katrina was way worse." To me it's not a competition, so if you feel like saying some bullshit like that, feel free to just shove it up your ass instead, thanks! I remember one time when I was going into work and they had a large mirror with two very thin mirrors on the sides (creating like a U shape) and I was washing my hands and I went to grab a paper towel and caught something strange in the mirror. I was like, "Damn is my hair getting sun-bleached in the middle of the winter?" Staring for a few minutes I realized I was looking at the top of my head. Nothing to panic about, it was a windy day and it probably just messed up my hair; I did the hand comb thing but it didn't fix it, I even tried to wet it down, nothing. Then I approached another coworker, "This is going to sound crazy right... but I am going bald?" She said, "Yeah you have been since you started here" (About 3 months at the time). I was only 23 and on top of that I'm not what many would consider attractive, I have many glaring obvious physical and emotional defects, and even a sub-standard personality; as stupid as it sounds I felt like my life was over. I was unapproachable that day, I was doing the, "Uh oh, that wasn't a fart, need to walk with my back to the wall all day" thing, as if there was someone on earth who didn't know that I was going bald. I'm like barely 5' 7" (another bullshit 'life feature') and so unless you were like 4' and never came up behind me when I was sitting down, it was pretty obvious. Somebody finally tried to cheer me up, but he said to me, "You know it could be worse, I know a 12 year old girl that has cancer, needs to wear a wig..." I'm like, "Great so I'm bald, vain, shallow, and self-centered; I feel much better." I called in sick the next day, I just sat in front of the TV for the whole day like I was Mr. Lebowski from the Big Lebowski, "I've accomplished so much without the use of any sort of sex appeal; but now my hair is missing and I don't know what to do."

If you aren't already in tears by now; wait until you hear this part... Now normally I would gloss over this detail because it was so uber-pathetic, sad, and a little gay; but hey, it's not like I have any dignity left anyway. So I made a promise to God that if I could find my own Ms. Right and we could be happy together, I'd give up all my worldly possessions. Don't worry though, I'm not that whiny little bitch that would make a promise like that now, plus I realize that this is the third step of the Kubler-Ross grief process called "bargaining." I'm at the point in my life that I realize that there is a very good chance that I will be lonely for the rest of my life, and failing that, I would maybe meet someone when I'm 40 simply because they realize that they can't find anyone else. They'll cheat on me and treat me like garbage, but I won't really love them anyway. That's just the hand I got dealt, nothing I can do about it now but deal with it. But after I gained acceptance (5th and final step) I realized, I'm losing all my fucking shit, one way or the other. But I don't know if I'm somehow cosmically I'm being forced to make good on my promise to God; or if God just wanted to show me that he's God and he can take away all my things and doesn't have to give me shit... because he's God. One thing is for sure, it doesn't seem like any woman in particular is showing any sort of interest in me. But we'll have to see, I only have a few possessions left so I should know pretty soon.

I ended up losing my last unreasonably decadent possession on Halloween. I had an iPhone and I'll admit, I don't receive nearly enough phone calls to claim I need that, but it did many of the functions I needed, and was one of the last things I bought with my savings since my untimely termination. I was at my cousin's house and someone was like, "Dude, did you forget your phone?" and he hands me one that wasn't mine. I found the owner and then I realized, I don't have mine. So a few hours after everyone got there, I probably ruined everyone's time by obsessively looking for my phone the whole time. Everyone was really helpful and understanding, but we never did find it. I stayed the night at my cousin's house, he let me have the one couch (everyone else was on the floor), which was very nice of him. And in the morning we called it walking through the house but didn't hear anything. I'm thinking maybe someone thought it was theirs and took it, I don't think anyone would have stolen it, as many of them are people that are at a lot of my cousin's parties; and most of the ones I didn't know were helping me look for the phone. I guess I never appreciated how much I used it for, I had like 4 alarms going every day, so now as I look at the alarm clocks strewn around my room, I almost want to cry.

Maybe I was on the wrong track with the idea of I'm just paying for something good in my future; this might be a lesson of not having fun. Monday I was at a restaurant by me with my family for trivia, and this guy dumps my cousin's beer onto my lap (along with a bunch of glass). I wasn't hurt and the restaurant payed for 2 beers for me and bummed me a cigarette, so it wasn't exactly a harrowing experience and the restaurant definitely did me right, but having wet pants for 3 hours was kind of a bummer. If you look at the previous blog you will see that I had class on Wednesday, but it was canceled because of the snow, but I have to make it up this Saturday. Thursdays are like my Saturdays lately, I go visit a few friends downtown and then we play trivia with family and friends; unfortunately it was still a little snowy for my car to do anything I didn't have to. So that sucks that I have to make up the class I missed but I can't make up the fun things I was supposed to do. And then I was looking forward to Halloween so bad, but when I lost my phone that was all I could think about, so I barely even got drunk. Ugh, I don't even know if I want to do anything fun ever again, I don't think I can fit another fucking anal bead of bad luck in my ass.

UPDATE: Since publishing this I found out that my cousin and a girl I barely know are still looking for my phone. I have very good friends and family; if nothing else I really hope they know that! I was so obsessed and worried about my phone I didn't even stay to clean, because I needed to go report my phone lost. I'm still a little bummed about my phone, in fact I even tried rocking out to some Boston which usually snaps me right out of it, but not this time. But, I really didn't deserve to be treated so nice by friends and strangers, because of how selfish I was, hogging the couch, bugging everyone to find my phone, not staying to clean, and even ruing my own time with my mania. Well it's totally in God's hands now.